Blog post have nothing much about what im gonna brag.

I dont know how to say this. I think im going back into depression, the last thing i want to feel.
I am grateful with what i have now comparing to kids that are less fortunate. but fuck this shit, why the fuck should i compare.. anyways, im really sad... upset.. mad ?
I talk to mom about me going to UK to continue my studies in degree, she agrees with me but we both know very well that i can never afford to go there. I cant get bank loans cause i dont have nothing to prove that i can pay back, i will pay back when i graduate and work, but i have no prove that i will. And there isnt any other ways to get money than the bank. What really upsets me about is that, i cant further my studies in other country and build up from there. We all know that malaysia sucks to the max. Not in cultural or whatever, Its  the Design and Art firm. Yess, they talk alot about "malaysia's art" but actually they dont give a fuck about designers. Unlike other countries, that treasure art and design like gold. No, not malaysia. In malaysia, people judge you if you tell them you are doing design. Its already in their mindset, in malaysia. And to them "design" are for fucking losers, fucking stupid people that cannot study so they took up design. But they dont know that art/design comes from talent, not something you can study about. You are born talented which other malaysians dont treasure like others, TALENT. thats why people here will never go far. You can sing ? Well good for you then *walks away*. "You can dance ? Well 'okay' then x.x" the reaction from all these assholes are almost the same. They dont even fucking know any talented people names, Nope not even 1. They look down on you. thinking that they "also" can do design.. "DESIGN IS SO EASY, *PAK PAK* HERE YOU GO, A DESIGN" but it isnt as easy as they think it is. They dont know what we have to go through design, Our burden to make the world much more beautiful place to live in, that everytime you wake up feeling good, because everything you see is beautiful. But no, all these dumbtwit knows nut about it. They also dont realize that design are everywhere. The things they see,use every single fucking day, are all design by designers, your cellphone ? macbook ? your car ? thats industry DESIGN. So why the fuck are you people judging us designers like we're some useless thing ?
I actually have friends that looks down on design, and they started mocking me about it, saying something like Im stupid and stuffs. Yes, it hurt a little, but i know very well that they are blind. So i pity them. i do.

So, design in Malaysia isnt easy. We dont get paid enough for the work we're doing. But lets not talk about other designers, Im here to talk about myself. I realize that I am different from others (in campus) even lecturers says "You are different". Dont get me wrong, i was proud and happy ! But if thats the reason why I cant get good grades or a job, I dont want to be different. Recently, I tried really hard to not be different from others. So as usual, i went around looking at people's work. Trying to make mine similiar to theirs, but in my way. So i wont be different anymore. Its like a phobia, afraid of being different. I named it Diffphobia.
*********. But if you disagree, okay. So my best solution to find where i fit, is by going to UK or any other countries to study and work there. And knowing that I will never have the chance, makes me more scared. Its like i have unknown future. I dont see myself as a designer in malaysia, Not anymore. I already at the edge of giving up. Plus that, I have no supporters at home. Not when my dad is gone. Unlike some friends i know, their family supports them very much in this field. But me? My mom doesnt even fucking calls me if Im not home for 5 days straight. Apatah lagi supporting me. Yeah they praise me and blablabla, But every once in a blue moon. They dont think like "i think chie will like this, since its something about design" NO they dont. I guess its just the way we grow up. Self centered. Not caring for anyone else as we grow older. But when we were younger, mom and dad supports me, boost my confidence even more, sign me up for every competitions, bought me every art materials i want eventhough i have no idea what was it for. Man i wish to go back in time. Makes me feel like im appreciated. I know ive blog many times about how lost i am now. I truly am lost. If i dont do design in the future, i really have no fucking idea what am i gonna do. And im really scared of it. Seeing no future in me.

And here i ly again, feeling so depressed. Crying alone infront of the bright white screen ranting about not important things. Im so depressed I really want to let it go on myself. But then i think again, i dont have money if i end up in a hospital. I have enough burden. My family has enough burden, i dont want to be one of it. But you know how it feels being tempted ? like tempted to eat what youre craving for. And im craving for this pain to go away. I dont want to think about it, i dont want to know, i dont want to feel. No, i dont want hopes.
You might think im crazy, thinking that im some stupid bitch wanting to commit suicide. Fuck you no, i dont want to commit suicide. If youve read a post i blogged about myself before, youll understand why. If not youll never know. What am i doing, or thinking.

Fuck you for judging me.
http://helenasayshi.blogspot.com/2011/01/61-poor.html

Labels: Life, Random, Shits