I used to live in an average life. I spend all i want without worrying. My cloths are not cheap, i must buy a new school bag every year tho the old ones are still in good condition, eventhough i still have something somewhere but i dint care about it and go get a brand new one,i must have everything new. No, im not a spoil kid, i control my spendings, i dont suck up to my parents for the latest gadget like handphones and everything(until today my most expensive phone is only rm200, my 5800xm i earn it myself). My nickname was *orang kaya* in school, i spend rm200 on school canteen day to earn money for the school, i give stufs to my friends that they cant afford to buy one and alot of taking out money for something. I dint have to care about anything.

Then everything went bad, its like im in a nightmare and i cant wake up from it. Eversince we shifted to the house im staying now, Everything from good went bad. My mom is jobless, my dad is sick, my grandma is also sick. We had no income. We have no money. Its hard living like this all in a sudden. Now everytime when i want to buy something, i have to think twice and look for the cheapest around town but in the end i dont buy it cause i couldnt afford one. Everytime when i go out with friends, my pocket is always empty so i dont spend, even when i had too spend i would borrow money from friends and pay them back when i have the money. My mom usually gives me money whenever i go out, but now its like "where are you going?...oh ok" and then walks away. I am sad, very. Sometimes at home dont have anything to eat, i had to starve myself and die. Whats the saddest thing most is that, after we shifted my dad and grandma was really ill, both had cancer and still fighting now. Boii i was very down and upset hearing those news. Our family isnt as happy as we are like before, We dont do things together anymore, No chinese drama at night or having dinner together, No having a family day going out together, everything no more. I cut myself 2 times after shifted,thats why i have scars. I couldnt bare the pain i was going through. And i kept thinking, what if we never shifted at the first place? non of this will happen, we'll be living like before where theres super loud laughters. Am i happy ? No im not happy.

You know how the feeling of going home ? *infront of the gate*"ahhhh home sweet home", thats the feeling. But me ? No i dont see any home, i see it as a place for me to sleep only. Home is no where. Thats why i am so depressed at times, why i always go out with my friends and come back late night, im trying to run away from my problems. Im not a person who share stuffs with friends so i could feel relief, im a person who puts on a fake smile and act as if everything is okay, but its not okay, never. Im not okay.

I have always dream of going to TOA and come out as a designer but my dreams died cause i couldnt afford. Knowing that i couldnt get anything killed my hopes. I dont feel like doing anything now and i blame this house. I am sad.

I have always hated myself. I had no confidence to anything; no self-esteem no nothing. I hated me. I am fear of rejection thats why i always hide myself. I dont plan to fall in love with anyone but i guess i failed. Im in love with someone now but he doesnt, I had to stop everything im doing with him even talking to him. I deleted his number and messages so i could move on but he kept coming back to me. Its fucking hard and you know how it feels like when you're inlove. I am rejected.

I blame everything on this fucking house im staying at now. Every single fucking thing. I hate this house im living in. Because of this house, im living in my own shadow. I couldnt let go. I have never told anyone about this therefore im blogging it right it so id feel better writing it somewhere. Nobody knows what i feel and think inside. Until today, when someone talks to me about this, i cant stop crying and never will. I cried myself to sleep every night hoping to wake up from this shit-mare. But i guess i couldnt, its reality. I am in reality !

I dint cut myself for guys or anyone,i dont want anybody's attention and when smeone ask me about the scars i have, i lie to them. The reasons why i cut myself so many times ? I feel so hurt, by feeling hurt i hurt myself to let go. I dint let it go on something else but myself because i cant bare the pain. The pain that i had to hurt myself. You may think im crazy but no, im not crazy. I just want my previous life back,take back everything. Im am in pain.

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