i know it
i know it till the very first day you were planing to buy
you know i was not happy.i wasnt happy
i was never interested to go there.i never wanna have a look at it
and i never ever wanted to stay here at all.
you know ive said before, and you wanted to slap me for sayingthat
well, look now. what have i become ?
every person have this feeling like "this is gonna go bad"
and i really did. just look at me now.
eversince we shifted, i was fucking depress. i was never happy at home
that explains why im always not home. i love running away from my problems.
im not strong enough to face it. no one is there to help me anyway.
weve been here got like, 5 months and the times ive tried suicidin was like, 3 times.
how long more i can stay like this...i cannot take it anymore.
you always know whats going onn.why ? "because ive been in your age before"
EVERYTHING HAS CHANGE. don take my generation and yours together,tellng me its the same
its nothing same. people change. everything change.
if its the same, there wont be people facing financial prob,
there wont be news of people killing and everything like now.
things change mom, things really have change.
don blame my friends foranything. blame yourself and me,not my friends.
if you think that stopping me from doing stuffs i like would solve everything,
it wouldnt. im dying more inside.i wanna die. i don wanna suffer cutting myself overover again
i need a mom,who is there for me. not a mom who tries and nothing is changing.
i dont know what im talking
screw everything.
thanks
#124 Nobodys perfect
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Blog post have nothing much about what im gonna brag.
I dont know how to say this. I think im going back into depression, the last thing i want to feel.
I am grateful with what i have now comparing to kids that are less fortunate. but fuck this shit, why the fuck should i compare.. anyways, im really sad... upset.. mad ?
I talk to mom about me going to UK to continue my studies in degree, she agrees with me but we both know very well that i can never afford to go there. I cant get bank loans cause i dont have nothing to prove that i can pay back, i will pay back when i graduate and work, but i have no prove that i will. And there isnt any other ways to get money than the bank. What really upsets me about is that, i cant further my studies in other country and build up from there. We all know that malaysia sucks to the max. Not in cultural or whatever, Its the Design and Art firm. Yess, they talk alot about "malaysia's art" but actually they dont give a fuck about designers. Unlike other countries, that treasure art and design like gold. No, not malaysia. In malaysia, people judge you if you tell them you are doing design. Its already in their mindset, in malaysia. And to them "design" are for fucking losers, fucking stupid people that cannot study so they took up design. But they dont know that art/design comes from talent, not something you can study about. You are born talented which other malaysians dont treasure like others, TALENT. thats why people here will never go far. You can sing ? Well good for you then *walks away*. "You can dance ? Well 'okay' then x.x" the reaction from all these assholes are almost the same. They dont even fucking know any talented people names, Nope not even 1. They look down on you. thinking that they "also" can do design.. "DESIGN IS SO EASY, *PAK PAK* HERE YOU GO, A DESIGN" but it isnt as easy as they think it is. They dont know what we have to go through design, Our burden to make the world much more beautiful place to live in, that everytime you wake up feeling good, because everything you see is beautiful. But no, all these dumbtwit knows nut about it. They also dont realize that design are everywhere. The things they see,use every single fucking day, are all design by designers, your cellphone ? macbook ? your car ? thats industry DESIGN. So why the fuck are you people judging us designers like we're some useless thing ?
I actually have friends that looks down on design, and they started mocking me about it, saying something like Im stupid and stuffs. Yes, it hurt a little, but i know very well that they are blind. So i pity them. i do.
So, design in Malaysia isnt easy. We dont get paid enough for the work we're doing. But lets not talk about other designers, Im here to talk about myself. I realize that I am different from others (in campus) even lecturers says "You are different". Dont get me wrong, i was proud and happy ! But if thats the reason why I cant get good grades or a job, I dont want to be different. Recently, I tried really hard to not be different from others. So as usual, i went around looking at people's work. Trying to make mine similiar to theirs, but in my way. So i wont be different anymore. Its like a phobia, afraid of being different. I named it Diffphobia.
*********. But if you disagree, okay. So my best solution to find where i fit, is by going to UK or any other countries to study and work there. And knowing that I will never have the chance, makes me more scared. Its like i have unknown future. I dont see myself as a designer in malaysia, Not anymore. I already at the edge of giving up. Plus that, I have no supporters at home. Not when my dad is gone. Unlike some friends i know, their family supports them very much in this field. But me? My mom doesnt even fucking calls me if Im not home for 5 days straight. Apatah lagi supporting me. Yeah they praise me and blablabla, But every once in a blue moon. They dont think like "i think chie will like this, since its something about design" NO they dont. I guess its just the way we grow up. Self centered. Not caring for anyone else as we grow older. But when we were younger, mom and dad supports me, boost my confidence even more, sign me up for every competitions, bought me every art materials i want eventhough i have no idea what was it for. Man i wish to go back in time. Makes me feel like im appreciated. I know ive blog many times about how lost i am now. I truly am lost. If i dont do design in the future, i really have no fucking idea what am i gonna do. And im really scared of it. Seeing no future in me.
And here i ly again, feeling so depressed. Crying alone infront of the bright white screen ranting about not important things. Im so depressed I really want to let it go on myself. But then i think again, i dont have money if i end up in a hospital. I have enough burden. My family has enough burden, i dont want to be one of it. But you know how it feels being tempted ? like tempted to eat what youre craving for. And im craving for this pain to go away. I dont want to think about it, i dont want to know, i dont want to feel. No, i dont want hopes.
You might think im crazy, thinking that im some stupid bitch wanting to commit suicide. Fuck you no, i dont want to commit suicide. If youve read a post i blogged about myself before, youll understand why. If not youll never know. What am i doing, or thinking.
Fuck you for judging me.
http://helenasayshi.blogspot.com/2011/01/61-poor.html
1:49 AM
I know this blog is dead. I only update like once in a while.
So this is my first 2012 post ! So, embrace yourself. The annoying-girl-that-brags-about-her-life brag is coming on!
Okay. updates on 2012. Im 19 now, doing year2 semester 4.
This is not a very good year. Ive been so many ups and downs within this 3 months. Am going through alot with school, friends,family, life, etcetc. So yeah.
My grades are getting worst, i dont know why. Not what im expecting for, was really disappointed in myself for doing this bad. I mean i dont have any D's, only C's and B's, but i was expecting for A's, how can i not get an A at something im so good at ? i really dont understand. So my grades brought me down. Besides worrying over my grades, my social life also went down, Ive lost so many friends, i consider them as my childhood friends. We were really close early of this year, until some bitch came along and had to ruin it all. (why cant these jealous bitches get a life? like seriuosly. brainwashing people ? get a life man) Bitching the brains off people. So everyone turned their backs on me. But whatevs, i lived with it. People at the age of 20+ should be mature enough to not fall for bullshits, guess theyre just immature or haven hit puberty. or something.
hmmm. Family also not doing that any good. Especially my mom. I think shes very mentally unstable. Shes doing all kinds of stupid things on the internet which i clearly disapproved about it. But nothing her children says can put some sense into her; especially not with the fucked up attitude of her whatever-i-say-is-right-and-its-right.
And life ? well as usual, sucks. Ive applied like 20 freelance job, but dint get one. Im starting to lose hopes already. Designing line isnt easy, if someone is better than you, thats it, you are nothing. Am really pissed off, getting sick with this line. But with the advice from Mr.Harry, boost my confidence a lil, hopefully his advice DOES help. Hopefully.
Recently, ive been really down. LIKE REALLY DOWN. I just want to be alone for the moment. Breaking down about everything. Till i can hear depression's calling my name. I want to find someone i could talk to, Like REALLY REALLY can talk to, ive never had a friend that i could really tell what im feeling now or whats going on in my empty mind. Ive always been the listener. Listening to people bragging about themselves. I mean, i dont mind, but just dont ask me question "why does this only happens to me" and all, i dont even know WHAT or HOW to answer, im not god mannn c'mon !. Sick of it. Sick of everything.
Hating what im feeling right now. And the shittiest feeling ever is not having someone to tell what im actually feeling now.
#119 Massive.
Monday, April 16, 2012
I know this blog is dead. I only update like once in a while.
So this is my first 2012 post ! So, embrace yourself. The annoying-girl-that-brags-about-her-life brag is coming on!
Okay. updates on 2012. Im 19 now, doing year2 semester 4.
This is not a very good year. Ive been so many ups and downs within this 3 months. Am going through alot with school, friends,family, life, etcetc. So yeah.
My grades are getting worst, i dont know why. Not what im expecting for, was really disappointed in myself for doing this bad. I mean i dont have any D's, only C's and B's, but i was expecting for A's, how can i not get an A at something im so good at ? i really dont understand. So my grades brought me down. Besides worrying over my grades, my social life also went down, Ive lost so many friends, i consider them as my childhood friends. We were really close early of this year, until some bitch came along and had to ruin it all. (why cant these jealous bitches get a life? like seriuosly. brainwashing people ? get a life man) Bitching the brains off people. So everyone turned their backs on me. But whatevs, i lived with it. People at the age of 20+ should be mature enough to not fall for bullshits, guess theyre just immature or haven hit puberty. or something.
hmmm. Family also not doing that any good. Especially my mom. I think shes very mentally unstable. Shes doing all kinds of stupid things on the internet which i clearly disapproved about it. But nothing her children says can put some sense into her; especially not with the fucked up attitude of her whatever-i-say-is-right-and-its-right.
And life ? well as usual, sucks. Ive applied like 20 freelance job, but dint get one. Im starting to lose hopes already. Designing line isnt easy, if someone is better than you, thats it, you are nothing. Am really pissed off, getting sick with this line. But with the advice from Mr.Harry, boost my confidence a lil, hopefully his advice DOES help. Hopefully.
Recently, ive been really down. LIKE REALLY DOWN. I just want to be alone for the moment. Breaking down about everything. Till i can hear depression's calling my name. I want to find someone i could talk to, Like REALLY REALLY can talk to, ive never had a friend that i could really tell what im feeling now or whats going on in my empty mind. Ive always been the listener. Listening to people bragging about themselves. I mean, i dont mind, but just dont ask me question "why does this only happens to me" and all, i dont even know WHAT or HOW to answer, im not god mannn c'mon !. Sick of it. Sick of everything.
Hating what im feeling right now. And the shittiest feeling ever is not having someone to tell what im actually feeling now.
1:04 AM
Its weird. Ive been dreaming to be a famous graphic designer eversince i was 12. People always praised me, saying im really good at it. And people always come looking for me to give my opinions, choose what is suitable for them, designing for them. My highschool friends used to pay me just to draw their names on a paper. And many admires my works. My dad is always proud of me, cause he knows i have potential in this, im not gonna be lost when i grow up cause he knows designing is my future. I agree. C;mon man, ive waited for 6 years to leave school so i can further my studies in design. Its only me and my dad who looks into art really deep, he share stuffs with me,give me advices, he passes me all his college tools, all just for me. We relate in a way, this way. When we go to an art museum, we look at arts together and share our thoughts together of a painting. And he always show me all his artist,carpenters work, and bring them home for me. All the books and everything he can get. We share the same interest :) My mom used to boost around about me, until now. I was embarassed, yet i was happy cause i make her proud too. But no we dint connect like how me and my dad did. But they both were really proud of me, when i show them all my works from college. Especially my dad. i like seeing him smile :) eventhough he was really ill at that moment. That was the best feeling ever, to see him smile. I regreted once, for not coming back home when he asked me too, its not because he wants me to take care of him when my siblings are around at home. Its because he really loves me and he wanted me to be there for him. But i was stupid enough to not know that until my aunt tells me.
#118 Lost
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Its weird. Ive been dreaming to be a famous graphic designer eversince i was 12. People always praised me, saying im really good at it. And people always come looking for me to give my opinions, choose what is suitable for them, designing for them. My highschool friends used to pay me just to draw their names on a paper. And many admires my works. My dad is always proud of me, cause he knows i have potential in this, im not gonna be lost when i grow up cause he knows designing is my future. I agree. C;mon man, ive waited for 6 years to leave school so i can further my studies in design. Its only me and my dad who looks into art really deep, he share stuffs with me,give me advices, he passes me all his college tools, all just for me. We relate in a way, this way. When we go to an art museum, we look at arts together and share our thoughts together of a painting. And he always show me all his artist,carpenters work, and bring them home for me. All the books and everything he can get. We share the same interest :) My mom used to boost around about me, until now. I was embarassed, yet i was happy cause i make her proud too. But no we dint connect like how me and my dad did. But they both were really proud of me, when i show them all my works from college. Especially my dad. i like seeing him smile :) eventhough he was really ill at that moment. That was the best feeling ever, to see him smile. I regreted once, for not coming back home when he asked me too, its not because he wants me to take care of him when my siblings are around at home. Its because he really loves me and he wanted me to be there for him. But i was stupid enough to not know that until my aunt tells me.
Recently, im starting to lose interest in designing and art. I mean who am i kidding right? Its arts and design, i was born to do this ! but then, it isnt anymore. Im getting sick of designing, sick of all this. I wanna quit so badly, i dont have the courage to do it anymore. All of this. And the reason is because ive lost my inspiration, my idol, my dad. Eversince he's gone, i felt like i have no reasons to continue it anymore. I really do feel very lost now. I miss my dad so so much.
He always helped me out. He even wanted to introduce me to his designing team, his friends who works in big big company with big big pay. We both know my future is really bright. But he's gone now, i dont know what to do anymore.
Talking about all these, it reminds me that i promised to draw a potrait of my dad, and play a song for him on the guitar(self taught) How i wish he was still here ): to do what ive promised. To tell me what to do, lead me to the right path again . I wish he was still here so i could show him my coll mag :3 how one my work is featured in it, and its 1 out of the 3 biggest in it hehehe. he would be sooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud i could imagine him smiling and all.
But its all over. All i have now is him in my heart, him in my memories and his stone on the praying table. But that isnt enough. And its killing me inside.
I felt so useless because i wasnt home when he left us. I feel so sorry and theres nothing that can cure how i feel now. Eventhough i have tons of friends, but still...nothing can cure me...This is the reason why i like being alone at times. So nobody would see the tears and pain im going through. That everything is okay...
Dont tell me to just get over with it, this is life or whatever shit. You have no idea what me and my dad have. And theres no right for you to judge me or 'ah this is life' ok? just fuck off if you're planning to say that. i dont need your shits..
And recently, im breaking down even more. Many problems coming up and i dont know what to do.
What will ?
11:20 PM
Confessions.
#114 Lost
Monday, July 18, 2011
Confessions.
No im not the person i used to be today. I realize im different from before. I have 2 personality if nobody realize. 1 i carry it to college everyday, not showing how i really felt and laugh all day long.
Another one is when im alone.
Nobody believes me when i told them my past, they dont expect me being like how i used to be and how i am now. But here you go, yes i may be noisy and irritating at times but the reason behind is because i dont want bad thoughts to flow in my brain. I dont want to be alone eventhough id prefer being alone most of the time.
And when im alone, well i wont tell you how i am.
I also realize, everyone in my family is different now. Eversince my dad fell sick, everyone of us change. I hate how 1 person can affect everyone. My temper starts getting bad, i get really pissed easily and you wont like me when i am. We're not who we are, we're people in pain.
That explains why i dont want to go back home. Why when im out in the morning till night, why i rather stay somewhere all alone the whole day instead of going back home. Like ive said in my previous post, i dont feel a home. Now being home is like being in hell, i feel the pressure and stress building up.
How the fuck am i gonna survive 1 whole month staying home ? I NEED TO DO SOMETHING I DONT WANT TO BE LOCK IN THIS CRAP. i cant take it no more
Labels: Life
5:57 PM
Hello bitches and bastard ! Yes im back now after MIA for so long. Guess im in the mood to blog again :) Sorry for the dead blog.
113# BACK
Friday, July 15, 2011
Hello bitches and bastard ! Yes im back now after MIA for so long. Guess im in the mood to blog again :) Sorry for the dead blog.
Life's okay so far. College is really fun (: I enjoy it alot (highschool sucks) Friends are really nice (: Seniors are too(well some of it). its great (:
Today was my last day of first semester. We had presentation today, to present all our work to all lecturers. Id say its a success (: comments from lecturer are good. Nothing bad at all ! Im so glad!
Tho i wished i could explain even more about my work but i was too nervous, my brain wasnt working and i talk to fast. But still :D (Y)
Lecturers said Im a very creative person (no doubt i am!) I always come out with different ideas, I always think out of the box, and lastly i have potential in designing (YES I NOTICE THAT! i have been dreaming of myself being a successful designer in the future since i was 12 man) And also they said that im a very very impatient person, i dint give enough time to do my work, i just want to get everything done(Which is true) and if i really did give more time, my artwork would be really really good (:
OHYEAHBABEH no bad comments (: although i was hoping for more bad comments tho. I mean, i dont like people complimenting on my artwork(not bragging about myself) I really want people to condemn on my work. Tell me wheres my flaws at, what is wrong and what people want to see, how can i improve. Like really. The reason why some of my work is as nice as this is because i always want to know what people think and then slowly on i improve and improve . Thats how i adapt to design (:
Im still happy with the lecturer's comment tho i was looking for something different.
So yeah college was awesome :D one heck of a college life that ill appreciate and will enjoy!
i dohnooh what to tokh. baibai
Labels: Life
12:44 AM
I feel so sad these days. I feel so depress no matter im out or at home. I cant stop these tears im holding it back. Although nothing much happen to me, but if 1 thing happens it can break me down. (Told you so im fragile) even more now. Maybe cause i cant take all this crap in at once. Im 18 and i know i should be mature and all. I am, but i cant take one shot all in. If you can, ill call you God.
#111 Home ?
Sunday, March 20, 2011
I feel so sad these days. I feel so depress no matter im out or at home. I cant stop these tears im holding it back. Although nothing much happen to me, but if 1 thing happens it can break me down. (Told you so im fragile) even more now. Maybe cause i cant take all this crap in at once. Im 18 and i know i should be mature and all. I am, but i cant take one shot all in. If you can, ill call you God.
Too many things at once. I just feel like all my hopes are dying. This is the reason why i dont aim high, dont have high hopes, because whenever there is, something is always there to cut my hopes down. Break my spirit, my confidence.
Running away now wouldnt solve the problems, solving them wouldnt either cause i have no idea how too. fuck the world lahhhh !!!!!@#$%^&*
I just want to go home..
And I feel just like I'm living
someone else's life
It's like I just stepped outside
when everything was going right
Another winter day
Has come and gone away
in either Paris or Rome
and I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I'm surrounded by
A million people I
still feel alone
Let me go home
I miss you , you know
Let me go home
I've had my run
baby I'm done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
it'll all be alright
I'll be home tonight
I'm coming back home
Not the home im staying at now, not a house where i always have this hatred inside, a house i hate. I want to go back to my real home, where i was first at. Now here, not now. Go back home to my old life back. Where i always will be at home, i feel a home.
I really want to wake up from this god knows what the fuck nightmare is this.
I CANT TAKE THE PRESSURE,i cant take all this crap in.
TAKE ME HOME PLEASE ! I hate this tears and pain, hatred.
2:26 AM
So i just got this news from my sister. Instead of my parents. That my dad's cancer cell might come back. Anytime soon. These few days ive seen my dad pressing his backbone and saying that it hurts, I could see the stress/tearful expressions everytime he does that. And then this morning at the dining table, my shoulder was very stiff(maybe cause i slept wrong position) and i said "ahh mou lek jor ah" and then my dad also replied me "I also have no more strength already" and i thought he's saying that cause he's tired. Well, it all make sense now. He went to see the doctor recently and the doctor said that "It might be the cancer cells are back again. Not very sure whether it is or not but it might be. And if it is, we cant help him anymore, theres nothing we can do about it". It broke me down into tears. My dad has been fighting with cancer for 2 years already. Why so soon?
#110 Helpless
Saturday, March 12, 2011
So i just got this news from my sister. Instead of my parents. That my dad's cancer cell might come back. Anytime soon. These few days ive seen my dad pressing his backbone and saying that it hurts, I could see the stress/tearful expressions everytime he does that. And then this morning at the dining table, my shoulder was very stiff(maybe cause i slept wrong position) and i said "ahh mou lek jor ah" and then my dad also replied me "I also have no more strength already" and i thought he's saying that cause he's tired. Well, it all make sense now. He went to see the doctor recently and the doctor said that "It might be the cancer cells are back again. Not very sure whether it is or not but it might be. And if it is, we cant help him anymore, theres nothing we can do about it". It broke me down into tears. My dad has been fighting with cancer for 2 years already. Why so soon?
You know thinking about all this, it makes me feel so useless/hopeless now. Theres nothing i could do to help him. Cancer cells can come anytime no matter what. My dad eats the right food, he exercise alot, he dont put stress nor pressure on himself and also through every kimos,not missing one. But still? It might be back? What the fuck man.
I really want to help him. but i dont know how? Life's so unfair ! Fuck life man. I wish i dint existed in this what fucking shit called "Life", so i wont go through all this bullshit. None of my family members know about it except my sis and my mom. Afraid the others cant take the news. (WHY THE HECK MY SIS TELL ME LA DIAO DAH LAH IM THE MOST SENSETIVE IN THE HOUSE BUT I DONT SHOW MY TRUE SELF AT HOME) Knowing all these breaks down all my courage. Makes me burst out into tears. I dont know what to do. I feel so lost.
Be strong dad. Ill be here for you. Ill try my best to fight with you. Please dont give up ):
Labels: Life
8:08 PM
I just came back from Blitz, i had fun alot! so did my brother (: I felt kind of offended listening to my friends saying im a bad sister for letting my bro shisha-ing. I mean, its not like my fault right, He always wanted to try shisha long time ago. Shisha is no big deal lah, even if i dint brought him out today he would be at the same place,same spot,same time with his friends instead. Okay, maybe it is my fault for teaching him but i trust him. I trust him that he wont touch so much of this smoking shit, i trust that he'll never pick up a cigg and get addicted to it, i trust that he knows what he's doing. And com'on, the feeling of having a younger brother is different, thats why i allow him to do what he wants as long he knows what he is doing. I love my brother;period.
#94 After today
Sunday, February 20, 2011
~~~
So i lit up my last sky lantern of the year. With my wishes on it and i hope it comes true. No, i wont tell what i was wishing for or else it wouldnt come true. But one of it is to leave my present behind and go ahead with my future, which is leaving my feelings behind, what i had for someone. So starting today onwards 20 February, "You" are my yesterday. Ill try to avoid everything from you, I will not ever text nor call you, I'll take you as "the kid who stays next door", Ill ignore everything. And i hope you understand. I know somewhere inside of you, it hurts but it hurts me more. And lastly, I am sorry.
I can be there for you but i cant anymore
i want to be there for you but i wont anymore.
I hate what im feeling inside.
Liked i said, Its eating me inside and alive.sorry.
I need to be fix. Help anyone ?
4:43 AM
Daily update : Kooi, Aby, Jon and me stayed up till 8 playing chapkut and chicken rice. Madness much i know.
#91 Alone not Lonely
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Daily update : Kooi, Aby, Jon and me stayed up till 8 playing chapkut and chicken rice. Madness much i know.
You know, i wish to change. Throw everything i dont like about myself away. One of them are treating people too good. I know, treating people good is not something bad. But for me, in a way it is bad. Ive been treating people too nice/good until people thinks im very stupid that they could step over my head or use me for something else. Sometimes i wonder, why on earth i treat people so good but in return nobody does the same to me? Its like, to me your somebody but to you im..nobody ? My grandma always tells me not to treat people too nice or trust someone too much, because when it happens the people will think you're stupid then they'll start using you, so be wise, dont be "aiya anything la anything la"...you know ?.. I got backstabbed\betrayed many times already, im learning my lessons. But i do believe in karma : What goes around;comes around.
Im probably blabbering to you but whatever lah. Im so addicted to this song. I cant stop listening to it! Maybe because i have this feeling inside of me i cant get it out and by listening to this song i feel a lil better.
******Bonuses : Changed new background, gonna changed it more often according to my mood.
Song of the day:
(i like both english and korean one)
i feel so..heartbroken
This feeling ? yeah its eating me inside.
8:44 PM
Today is the seventh day of CNY, which is also known(to the chinese) its everybody's birthday today (: so SANG YAT FAI LOK !
#86 Red packets
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Today is the seventh day of CNY, which is also known(to the chinese) its everybody's birthday today (: so SANG YAT FAI LOK !
Im done doing visits already but not gambling yet >:]
Today post is something you can call it random. You know, everybody thinks that CNY is all about the money and angpau's we collect. When i was younger,my siblings and i had this lil competition;" Who collected the most red packets this year" Well, it was always me that collected the most :3
As im older now, things start to make sense. CNY is nothing about collecting the most angpau's nor collecting more money. CNY is about gathering your family together on new year eve for dinner and have a bonding time, a good way to start a new year; visiting your relatives (bonding) and friends too dont you agree? Meanwhile, red packet doesnt have to be big. Giving a red packet to someone is like, wishing you good luck,a good life,a prosperious year ahead,a meaning. It has nothing to do with big money and you going all "wa that fella dam kiam siap man..5 bucks only mcb" =.= . It did happened once when i was still living in my old house. The kids in the neighbourhood were a lil fricked up. I over heard them talking on the phone sayin "eh don need come dont need come, not big also lah. 2 bucks only. dont need come already lah. we go out now"
dam lebih right i want to punch those kids (they are not my friends)
During this cny, the only fun day i had was yesterday. Travelling from friend to friend with other friends. It was the only day in this cny i went visiting. Sad right i know.
CNY this year? yeah its different.
2:18 PM
Who do you splash out when there's something you had to say it out cause its eating you inside ?
#79 Behind
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Who do you splash out when there's something you had to say it out cause its eating you inside ?
I wish i have friends like in the show HIMYM.(i know, im crazy over HIMYM okay)
DELETED DELETED DELETED hmm..i dont know where im going with this topic. Blog about it next time.
anyway, i had fun talking to (not naming) again like before after for so long. Kinda feel like before(nice feeling). Should do that more often XD
time to hit the sack. Driving class tomorrow boo-hoo. Goodnight blogders!
2:02 AM
So not seeing him for a week straight, ive forgotten about him. But after seeing him yesterday, everything's...awkward. I dont want to talk to him neither do i want to notice his presents.
#76 Legendary
Thursday, January 20, 2011
So not seeing him for a week straight, ive forgotten about him. But after seeing him yesterday, everything's...awkward. I dont want to talk to him neither do i want to notice his presents.
Ive promised ill blog about something in the post #69. Something about losing your love ones.
Okay, I may look strong outside but honestly, Im not in the inside. I shatter easily.
Everytime i wake up from a bad dream(post #69), it makes me think "what if that really happens? How am i going to face it?" I mean, losing my love ones is...either the Oxford dictionary dont have a word to describe this feeling. Seeing my parents and my grandma condition worries me alot, like ALOT. They could go anytime soon, but i put that aside and act as if everything is gonna be okay. I mean like, whats the worst that can happen right ? (im an ass) I tried to change, tried to appreciate them everyday; I do appreciate, i just dont show it. Explicitly, i dont know how to show my love to my love ones and i dont know why. Like today when my mom and dad left to Malacca for this funeral(ill talk about it later), my sis hugged my mom and said blablabla while i just stare and turn away. I dint have the guts to suddenly hug my mom for no reasons. I think, what they think of me; Im the worst daughter ever, i suck up to them when i need cash and forgets them after giving me and every other stuffs that i want. But honestly, no im not a suck up. I really do love my parents, I treasure them alot, i just dont show them how i feel inside. Even like the time when i was in depression, my mom had a talk with me, open up to me, told me how she felt inside and we both started crying. She tried so hard to be there for me but failed cause i dint tell whats inside my heart or why was i in depression(like a gazillion times). Im just not into telling people how i feel. Maybe cause that was how i grew up, not being close nor open to my family. Especially when im turning to a teen, my family isnt a family till now i dont really know whats a family and home. And all i have are my friends to run to, run away from my problem. This is another reason why i treasure friendship alot. hmm
and worst comes to worst, i have this bad habit. "Until it happens, thats when ill only learn my lesson", in another words, Ill only start regretting after what had happen when i could avoid it to happen.
I wish to change, throw this bad att away.humm~
And the funeral my mom and dad attended in Malacca today, was my dad's good old friend. He had high blood pressure and a stroke. Died in coma. really sad.
R.I.P Uncle Loh!
ohwell, this is life. One minute your alive and living your life, and the next minute you know life is not forever and its time to go.
goodnight blogders.
11:11 AM
I found this. It was a very long time ago.hmm
#73 The past
Monday, January 17, 2011
I found this. It was a very long time ago.hmm
SUNDAY, MAY 10, 2009
i got a F in life. oh wow.
i dont know.
i keep to many things in my heart and i never share it with anyone
that should explaine how many scars are there on my hand.
i was too hurt till i had nobody to pour it too, but myself..
say it, you know it.
i know it too. im stupid, im dumb,im everything in this world thats makes a lving hell
but i had no choice,i cant think right. infact, i never think at all.
im a failure as a child,im a failure as a student,im a failure in everything.
im a failure in LIFE.
what am i suppose to do now ? should i just end my life or not.
ill definately will end life.i dont wanna suffer through this pain anymore.
it just hurt, always crying myself to sleep.
i dont know what else to say.
all i know is i can say that im sorry,if im not forgiven,just bloody take my life away.
i tried whatever i can. but i never succeded.
theres no one helping me at all.no one giving me confidence to go.
all i ever did was, good. i failed.
and whenever that happns, everyone thinks im happy with it or whatsoever
but,im not. i feel......myself.
i tried hard but....is there anyone there ?
you know who am i,what am i
but never a person is helpng me. even there is, they give up easy
how can i stand even longer ? your not in my shoe.
i understand how people feel, but nobody ever did to me.
i dont know what else more to say.
im freakingly hurt mentally. physically aint obvious.
OMG I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKING.i should just choke and die laughing at myself.
i need someone to be there. someone who i really trust.
i never trusted anyone at all. i only trust myself and thats how myself is now.
im going tru depressions and also suicidal and i look happy outside.
thinking why life is so unfair. life never is.
don take me to god cause i don believe in him\her.
i just wan life to be back like before. when i had a happy life,i never go tru depressions
but, i guess thats not gonna happen.is it ?
i had enough of this shit.
ohwell goodbye.
i keep to many things in my heart and i never share it with anyone
that should explaine how many scars are there on my hand.
i was too hurt till i had nobody to pour it too, but myself..
say it, you know it.
i know it too. im stupid, im dumb,im everything in this world thats makes a lving hell
but i had no choice,i cant think right. infact, i never think at all.
im a failure as a child,im a failure as a student,im a failure in everything.
im a failure in LIFE.
what am i suppose to do now ? should i just end my life or not.
ill definately will end life.i dont wanna suffer through this pain anymore.
it just hurt, always crying myself to sleep.
i dont know what else to say.
all i know is i can say that im sorry,if im not forgiven,just bloody take my life away.
i tried whatever i can. but i never succeded.
theres no one helping me at all.no one giving me confidence to go.
all i ever did was, good. i failed.
and whenever that happns, everyone thinks im happy with it or whatsoever
but,im not. i feel......myself.
i tried hard but....is there anyone there ?
you know who am i,what am i
but never a person is helpng me. even there is, they give up easy
how can i stand even longer ? your not in my shoe.
i understand how people feel, but nobody ever did to me.
i dont know what else more to say.
im freakingly hurt mentally. physically aint obvious.
OMG I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKING.i should just choke and die laughing at myself.
i need someone to be there. someone who i really trust.
i never trusted anyone at all. i only trust myself and thats how myself is now.
im going tru depressions and also suicidal and i look happy outside.
thinking why life is so unfair. life never is.
don take me to god cause i don believe in him\her.
i just wan life to be back like before. when i had a happy life,i never go tru depressions
but, i guess thats not gonna happen.is it ?
i had enough of this shit.
ohwell goodbye.
8:59 PM
I used to have problems going to sleep at night, then slowly i recovered. Now insomnia is back. Last night i dint had a good sleep tho i was fucking tired. Eventhough im asleep, but my mind isnt set to rest. I kept rolling around my bed forcing myself to sleep; i did really fall asleep ! at freaking 6am. I dont want to live like 2 years ago ): Where i really cant sleep at night and got screwed for sleeping in class. I really suffered. Too many things on my mind that i haven let go. I hate it when this happens.
I hate myself.
#68 Sleepy
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I used to have problems going to sleep at night, then slowly i recovered. Now insomnia is back. Last night i dint had a good sleep tho i was fucking tired. Eventhough im asleep, but my mind isnt set to rest. I kept rolling around my bed forcing myself to sleep; i did really fall asleep ! at freaking 6am. I dont want to live like 2 years ago ): Where i really cant sleep at night and got screwed for sleeping in class. I really suffered. Too many things on my mind that i haven let go. I hate it when this happens.
I hate myself.
Labels: Life
2:03 PM
I just realize all my post are at 2.++ am. Waa dint know i blog this late also. haha
Not bad eh, i just only put the counter today and it had 16 visitors already! And i thought nobody reads my blog. (someone's stalking me) Please lah leave something in the chatbox! dont let it be dead ):
So anyway, I have this few friends that i really start to not like(hate is a strong word). They think they're all good and stuffs that they have the rights to talk about other people. I mean, c'mon lah. Who you think you are ? Some kind of a big shit is it ? Just because you dont know them doesnt mean they're all you think they are. We dont have the rights to judge people, afterall, we're not that perfect also. But honestly, you are way worst than the people you talk about. So dont talk about people before you look yourself in the mirror. Nobody is perfect. We are all different kind of people. The way we talk, we communicate, we act, we're all different. We just dont click with each other right away one right ? We all have different background. Dont label anyone. Trust me, once you get to know others, your judgement will change.
But if i were to have a chance to critic you, id say you are one hell of an arrogant feller, you always think you're better than everyone else but actually you are not. You are bloody the LanSi,Guailan etcetc. I really hate it when you use those words on other people. Even to my siblings. You're the reason why we hardly talk or mix with you guys, cause you people judge people too much before knowing them and worst to worst, you don't know what type of person you are and you're calling other people words. Seriously, people like you are hard to make friends. Just stop bullshiting lah okay ?
I guess ill stop blogging now. Its time to head the sack(its bloody 2am man).
Nights blogders!
#66 Nightstalker
I just realize all my post are at 2.++ am. Waa dint know i blog this late also. haha
Not bad eh, i just only put the counter today and it had 16 visitors already! And i thought nobody reads my blog. (someone's stalking me) Please lah leave something in the chatbox! dont let it be dead ):
So anyway, I have this few friends that i really start to not like(hate is a strong word). They think they're all good and stuffs that they have the rights to talk about other people. I mean, c'mon lah. Who you think you are ? Some kind of a big shit is it ? Just because you dont know them doesnt mean they're all you think they are. We dont have the rights to judge people, afterall, we're not that perfect also. But honestly, you are way worst than the people you talk about. So dont talk about people before you look yourself in the mirror. Nobody is perfect. We are all different kind of people. The way we talk, we communicate, we act, we're all different. We just dont click with each other right away one right ? We all have different background. Dont label anyone. Trust me, once you get to know others, your judgement will change.
But if i were to have a chance to critic you, id say you are one hell of an arrogant feller, you always think you're better than everyone else but actually you are not. You are bloody the LanSi,Guailan etcetc. I really hate it when you use those words on other people. Even to my siblings. You're the reason why we hardly talk or mix with you guys, cause you people judge people too much before knowing them and worst to worst, you don't know what type of person you are and you're calling other people words. Seriously, people like you are hard to make friends. Just stop bullshiting lah okay ?
I guess ill stop blogging now. Its time to head the sack(its bloody 2am man).
Nights blogders!
2:05 AM
I hate looking at my dad sometimes. No not because i really hate him or what, is because he's so skinny now ! last time he looked like Santa Clause's brother, happy and jolly(withouht a beard lah). Now, his waist is atleast 26cm(maybe lesser). Now he always dont have an appetite to eat at all, he only drinks milk and force himself to eat bread of biscuit. Sometimes when we're out together, we always let him pick what to eat because not everything that he can eat. I can hear his tears in his voice whenever he answer us "Lei tei yew sek mat ma sek lah, mmsai lei ngo, ngo yew sek mat chin kan ngo hiu chikei sek. moi lei ngo" (translation: you want to eat what you eat, dont have to care about me,i want to eat what i can eat my own later, dont care about me). See what i mean ? before he's sick, his very the happening one you know ? he loves to travel everywhere,bringing us to places we've never been before. He's always searching for good food, trying everything new. He can travel all the way to johor to eat good food and come back. But now he doesnt. Its hard to see him like this. He used to always do silly stuffs, silly dance moves and make us laugh. Things have changed. He's not strong like he used to be, but i can see him fighthing for his life. He is.
#62 Daddy ?
Monday, January 10, 2011
I hate looking at my dad sometimes. No not because i really hate him or what, is because he's so skinny now ! last time he looked like Santa Clause's brother, happy and jolly(withouht a beard lah). Now, his waist is atleast 26cm(maybe lesser). Now he always dont have an appetite to eat at all, he only drinks milk and force himself to eat bread of biscuit. Sometimes when we're out together, we always let him pick what to eat because not everything that he can eat. I can hear his tears in his voice whenever he answer us "Lei tei yew sek mat ma sek lah, mmsai lei ngo, ngo yew sek mat chin kan ngo hiu chikei sek. moi lei ngo" (translation: you want to eat what you eat, dont have to care about me,i want to eat what i can eat my own later, dont care about me). See what i mean ? before he's sick, his very the happening one you know ? he loves to travel everywhere,bringing us to places we've never been before. He's always searching for good food, trying everything new. He can travel all the way to johor to eat good food and come back. But now he doesnt. Its hard to see him like this. He used to always do silly stuffs, silly dance moves and make us laugh. Things have changed. He's not strong like he used to be, but i can see him fighthing for his life. He is.
I should start fighting in my own battle too..
I love you daddy, have always and will always do.
Labels: Life
2:16 PM
I am poor. My family is poor. My mom cant find a job because they want a higher cert, my dad had nose cancer and it spread to his back therefore he cannot work anymore. I have 2 younger siblings who are still in highschool and an elder sis who is working. Tho we live in a big house, but inside, we have nothing.
#61 Poor
Saturday, January 8, 2011
I am poor. My family is poor. My mom cant find a job because they want a higher cert, my dad had nose cancer and it spread to his back therefore he cannot work anymore. I have 2 younger siblings who are still in highschool and an elder sis who is working. Tho we live in a big house, but inside, we have nothing.
I used to live in an average life. I spend all i want without worrying. My cloths are not cheap, i must buy a new school bag every year tho the old ones are still in good condition, eventhough i still have something somewhere but i dint care about it and go get a brand new one,i must have everything new. No, im not a spoil kid, i control my spendings, i dont suck up to my parents for the latest gadget like handphones and everything(until today my most expensive phone is only rm200, my 5800xm i earn it myself). My nickname was *orang kaya* in school, i spend rm200 on school canteen day to earn money for the school, i give stufs to my friends that they cant afford to buy one and alot of taking out money for something. I dint have to care about anything.
Then everything went bad, its like im in a nightmare and i cant wake up from it. Eversince we shifted to the house im staying now, Everything from good went bad. My mom is jobless, my dad is sick, my grandma is also sick. We had no income. We have no money. Its hard living like this all in a sudden. Now everytime when i want to buy something, i have to think twice and look for the cheapest around town but in the end i dont buy it cause i couldnt afford one. Everytime when i go out with friends, my pocket is always empty so i dont spend, even when i had too spend i would borrow money from friends and pay them back when i have the money. My mom usually gives me money whenever i go out, but now its like "where are you going?...oh ok" and then walks away. I am sad, very. Sometimes at home dont have anything to eat, i had to starve myself and die. Whats the saddest thing most is that, after we shifted my dad and grandma was really ill, both had cancer and still fighting now. Boii i was very down and upset hearing those news. Our family isnt as happy as we are like before, We dont do things together anymore, No chinese drama at night or having dinner together, No having a family day going out together, everything no more. I cut myself 2 times after shifted,thats why i have scars. I couldnt bare the pain i was going through. And i kept thinking, what if we never shifted at the first place? non of this will happen, we'll be living like before where theres super loud laughters. Am i happy ? No im not happy.
You know how the feeling of going home ? *infront of the gate*"ahhhh home sweet home", thats the feeling. But me ? No i dont see any home, i see it as a place for me to sleep only. Home is no where. Thats why i am so depressed at times, why i always go out with my friends and come back late night, im trying to run away from my problems. Im not a person who share stuffs with friends so i could feel relief, im a person who puts on a fake smile and act as if everything is okay, but its not okay, never. Im not okay.
I have always dream of going to TOA and come out as a designer but my dreams died cause i couldnt afford. Knowing that i couldnt get anything killed my hopes. I dont feel like doing anything now and i blame this house. I am sad.
I have always hated myself. I had no confidence to anything; no self-esteem no nothing. I hated me. I am fear of rejection thats why i always hide myself. I dont plan to fall in love with anyone but i guess i failed. Im in love with someone now but he doesnt, I had to stop everything im doing with him even talking to him. I deleted his number and messages so i could move on but he kept coming back to me. Its fucking hard and you know how it feels like when you're inlove. I am rejected.
I blame everything on this fucking house im staying at now. Every single fucking thing. I hate this house im living in. Because of this house, im living in my own shadow. I couldnt let go. I have never told anyone about this therefore im blogging it right it so id feel better writing it somewhere. Nobody knows what i feel and think inside. Until today, when someone talks to me about this, i cant stop crying and never will. I cried myself to sleep every night hoping to wake up from this shit-mare. But i guess i couldnt, its reality. I am in reality !
I dint cut myself for guys or anyone,i dont want anybody's attention and when smeone ask me about the scars i have, i lie to them. The reasons why i cut myself so many times ? I feel so hurt, by feeling hurt i hurt myself to let go. I dint let it go on something else but myself because i cant bare the pain. The pain that i had to hurt myself. You may think im crazy but no, im not crazy. I just want my previous life back,take back everything. Im am in pain.
Im not happy,
Im not okay,
I am sad,
I am rejected,
I am in PAIN.
It hurts so much.
the Offspring : Dont waste your whole life trying, to get back what was taken away.
3:44 AM
Happy New Year ! Hope 2011 dont suck at all (:
#59 Welcome 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year ! Hope 2011 dont suck at all (:
I had fun counting down the end of 2010 at KlangParade there, goooodddd Kp is upgrading ! not that lala now, not bad not bad!
So yeahh, Live fireworks with super loud crowd. We were drinking Dewars&Chivas, i really had fun especially seeing vinkong's friend drunk aha so cute one his patern all !
Okay i want to talk about something else. About this guy ive been mentioning all about in my previous post. Im trying to not get close to him anymore, i dont want to play around with him anymore, making him my yesterday. I dont know how is this gonna work cause i see him almost everyday so its gonna be harddd. I hate it when he comes close to me, makes me lose my mind, lose control! And then not aware of my behaviour. hehzz. And also knowing about something whenever im not around breaks me down. sucks to have this feeling.
So anyway, Goodbye 2010 ! Leaving you with my sorrows.
10:41 PM
Im so addicted to this song Stereo Love by Edward Maya ft. Vika. The beat is nice, and so is the lyrics (for me lah). Im getting emo and depressed easily these days, dont know why.
#58 Stereo love
Monday, December 27, 2010
Im so addicted to this song Stereo Love by Edward Maya ft. Vika. The beat is nice, and so is the lyrics (for me lah). Im getting emo and depressed easily these days, dont know why.
Okay maybe i know a reason why \: Theres this someone im starting to like more,he's sooo sweet to me(kenot tahan!). Tho we're playing boyfriend&girlfriend around,Im starting to fall for him at the same time. I tried to keep cool whenever he's around, acted like i dont really care about him and ignore him as much especially when he kept saying "i love you" or "i miss you" but whenever he's not around ? i want him to be there. This is weird. But whatever lah :C
Im currently looking for a job, an office job or anything but promoter,sales girl etcetc. gahhh ! so hard !
I drove manual today :D after a year not driving. Im loving manual! Whenever i change to another gear, it feels like im playing Daytona without drifting HAHAH
oh! i dyed my hair color=Ash Brown. But this ashbrown its more to brown instead of green and i want more green ! i still love my hair color :D
Dont know what to talk about already. til then, toodles !
10:55 PM
This is what i want to talk about now. Have you ever ?
I did think of it and no its not worth and yeah i do regret. I made alot of mistake as im growing up and ive regretted afew of it. Im not saying everyone is perfect;they dont do mistake. Everyone IS NOT perfect and by doing mistakes we learn. Yeah ive learn alot from my mistake but whether i learn if or not, mistakes are mistakes. Its done, we cant turn back time to undo them. Yeah its a precaution for the future. What if this mistake screwed up my future that i have nothing to be caution of ? (i might be out of topic but im typing whatever is coming out of my mind right away)
I made 2 biggest mistake in my life. One of them are losing my bestfriend. Thats deep shit. So ive been friends with this girl for 5-6-7 years already. We shared everything and i really trully trust her. This year is kind off messed up and i kind off blamed her for it;or maybe im the one with problems accepting it. (the story is too long so im cutting short) She've changed alot. Eventhough we have forgave each other, theres still something wrong between us, like somethings missing. Dont get me wrong, talking to her back is a big relief; doing things what we usually do but still ? I do really miss the old her alot. Things arent the same now. Awkward.
#57 Talking to the moon
Friday, December 17, 2010
This is what i want to talk about now. Have you ever ?I did think of it and no its not worth and yeah i do regret. I made alot of mistake as im growing up and ive regretted afew of it. Im not saying everyone is perfect;they dont do mistake. Everyone IS NOT perfect and by doing mistakes we learn. Yeah ive learn alot from my mistake but whether i learn if or not, mistakes are mistakes. Its done, we cant turn back time to undo them. Yeah its a precaution for the future. What if this mistake screwed up my future that i have nothing to be caution of ? (i might be out of topic but im typing whatever is coming out of my mind right away)
I made 2 biggest mistake in my life. One of them are losing my bestfriend. Thats deep shit. So ive been friends with this girl for 5-6-7 years already. We shared everything and i really trully trust her. This year is kind off messed up and i kind off blamed her for it;or maybe im the one with problems accepting it. (the story is too long so im cutting short) She've changed alot. Eventhough we have forgave each other, theres still something wrong between us, like somethings missing. Dont get me wrong, talking to her back is a big relief; doing things what we usually do but still ? I do really miss the old her alot. Things arent the same now. Awkward.
Hmmm. Im getting emo easily now these days.
Labels: Life
12:49 AM
