i know it
i know it till the very first day you were planing to buy
you know i was not happy.i wasnt happy
i was never interested to go there.i never wanna have a look at it
and i never ever wanted to stay here at all.
you know ive said before, and you wanted to slap me for sayingthat
well, look now. what have i become ?
every person have this feeling like "this is gonna go bad"
and i really did. just look at me now.
eversince we shifted, i was fucking depress. i was never happy at home
that explains why im always not home. i love running away from my problems.
im not strong enough to face it. no one is there to help me anyway.
weve been here got like, 5 months and the times ive tried suicidin was like, 3 times.
how long more i can stay like this...i cannot take it anymore.
you always know whats going onn.why ? "because ive been in your age before"
EVERYTHING HAS CHANGE. don take my generation and yours together,tellng me its the same
its nothing same. people change. everything change.
if its the same, there wont be people facing financial prob,
there wont be news of people killing and everything like now.
things change mom, things really have change.
don blame my friends foranything. blame yourself and me,not my friends.
if you think that stopping me from doing stuffs i like would solve everything,
it wouldnt. im dying more inside.i wanna die. i don wanna suffer cutting myself overover again
i need a mom,who is there for me. not a mom who tries and nothing is changing.
i dont know what im talking
screw everything.
thanks
#82 Cny!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Gahhhh! Im putting on alot of weight! screw this shitzzz! Ive been home every single fricking day and i kept eating until we ran out of food supply!(Over exaggerating) and CNY is around the corner! GOTTA STOP EATING FROM NOW AND EXERCISE!
oh man who am i kidding.. Me? Exercise? bshhh in my next life maybe i will.
I am not done with shopping new cloths for this new year and probably wont be ): sad right i know.
Oh well, I dont have to get new cloths, just have to look good (:
I only watched HIMYM till season 6 ep10. I guess the rest isnt out on air yet. adehhh cannot wait you know !
yaadaayaadaaa. I wan to go treat myself with a icecream so i will feel better.(wtf right i know) Im just to bored. teehee!
Ive done a Vlog. Completely random but im not gonna post it up :P Shyyyy laa hehe.
Maybe next time when i feel like it.
Bye suckaz!
7:13 PM
Okay i might be a little different from others. Im into songs with no words but only beats and booms. Techno,Electro,House,Trance etcetc you name it.
#81 Boomboom
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Okay i might be a little different from others. Im into songs with no words but only beats and booms. Techno,Electro,House,Trance etcetc you name it.
1:43 PM
I failed driving bukit and passed on the road. pffttt !
I like the beat. Feel really relax and calm everytime i hear this song.
Dammnn my finger hurts! finger tips gone soft for not playing a long time ): gotta practice more often! bye.
#80 Guitar
Monday, January 24, 2011
I failed driving bukit and passed on the road. pffttt !
So anyway, i want to learn to play a cover of Stereo Love by Edward Maya with my guitar. It sounds dam beautiful man. But i prefer piano more, sounds much nicer and...really peaceful. Oh well, i dont know how to play but im wishing to learn. gahhh ! I need a job so i could take piano and guitar lessons! ):
Bonus of the day :
I like the beat. Feel really relax and calm everytime i hear this song.
Dammnn my finger hurts! finger tips gone soft for not playing a long time ): gotta practice more often! bye.
9:48 PM
Who do you splash out when there's something you had to say it out cause its eating you inside ?
#79 Behind
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Who do you splash out when there's something you had to say it out cause its eating you inside ?
I wish i have friends like in the show HIMYM.(i know, im crazy over HIMYM okay)
DELETED DELETED DELETED hmm..i dont know where im going with this topic. Blog about it next time.
anyway, i had fun talking to (not naming) again like before after for so long. Kinda feel like before(nice feeling). Should do that more often XD
time to hit the sack. Driving class tomorrow boo-hoo. Goodnight blogders!
2:02 AM
Man i need to get a job! i feel so dam lifeless staying at home the wholeweek day gahhhh! and im almost done with HIMYM season 6. Dont know what to do next
i only like the part 2:28 dam nice the beat. hehe
#78 Bored
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Man i need to get a job! i feel so dam lifeless staying at home the whole
So my driving exam is on the coming Monday. wish me luck ! xx.
Oh oh ! i thought of starting a Vlog ! HAHAHHAA people said im gonna fail. pfft. Just you wait and seeeee !
Bonus of today :
i only like the part 2:28 dam nice the beat. hehe
8:07 PM
Ahhhh! 2 more episodes till season 6 of HIMYM ! i cant wait! I spent this whole week staying home and HIMYM marathon!
#77 Accent
Friday, January 21, 2011
Ahhhh! 2 more episodes till season 6 of HIMYM ! i cant wait! I spent this whole week staying home and HIMYM marathon!
Eh have you tried watching a show non stop for the entire week ? or maybe just hang out with a foreigner the whole day. realize or not that you start to talk different? like how the show youve watch does. Starts living a life like the show, attitude and everything starts to change like the show. realize,no ? I remembered once, it was CNY. I hanged around my cousin's place for the whole day. Ive met new people(somewhat my so-called-cousin far related) They're from England but they are chinese. Their friends came to Malaysia too at that time so we gambled the whole day. They taught us alot of things and so did we. So anyway, they talk english with slang and they were slanging with us the whole day. Tho we dont quite understand at first cause it was too deep but we got the hang of it. bla bla bla bla bla, at the end of the day, i also talked with slang(i dont know how) and so were my siblings. We were all slanging together(its funny thinking back) for a few days. So my point is, i have no point. Im just randomly crapping hahahaha
I love HIMYM and im really wishing to live like them. Have friends like them, have our favourite bar to hang out at, celebrate holidays together, have humour like them too, and everything/one there are soooo open minded. Damn i love that place! I love that life ! but then again, that will never happen. Its just a wish,; a dream. Maybe when im older lah or something then i want to migrate there. New york!
Im probably crapping now to you. Well, i am. I watch too much shows already.
GTG NOW.
11:21 PM
So not seeing him for a week straight, ive forgotten about him. But after seeing him yesterday, everything's...awkward. I dont want to talk to him neither do i want to notice his presents.
#76 Legendary
Thursday, January 20, 2011
So not seeing him for a week straight, ive forgotten about him. But after seeing him yesterday, everything's...awkward. I dont want to talk to him neither do i want to notice his presents.
Ive promised ill blog about something in the post #69. Something about losing your love ones.
Okay, I may look strong outside but honestly, Im not in the inside. I shatter easily.
Everytime i wake up from a bad dream(post #69), it makes me think "what if that really happens? How am i going to face it?" I mean, losing my love ones is...either the Oxford dictionary dont have a word to describe this feeling. Seeing my parents and my grandma condition worries me alot, like ALOT. They could go anytime soon, but i put that aside and act as if everything is gonna be okay. I mean like, whats the worst that can happen right ? (im an ass) I tried to change, tried to appreciate them everyday; I do appreciate, i just dont show it. Explicitly, i dont know how to show my love to my love ones and i dont know why. Like today when my mom and dad left to Malacca for this funeral(ill talk about it later), my sis hugged my mom and said blablabla while i just stare and turn away. I dint have the guts to suddenly hug my mom for no reasons. I think, what they think of me; Im the worst daughter ever, i suck up to them when i need cash and forgets them after giving me and every other stuffs that i want. But honestly, no im not a suck up. I really do love my parents, I treasure them alot, i just dont show them how i feel inside. Even like the time when i was in depression, my mom had a talk with me, open up to me, told me how she felt inside and we both started crying. She tried so hard to be there for me but failed cause i dint tell whats inside my heart or why was i in depression(like a gazillion times). Im just not into telling people how i feel. Maybe cause that was how i grew up, not being close nor open to my family. Especially when im turning to a teen, my family isnt a family till now i dont really know whats a family and home. And all i have are my friends to run to, run away from my problem. This is another reason why i treasure friendship alot. hmm
and worst comes to worst, i have this bad habit. "Until it happens, thats when ill only learn my lesson", in another words, Ill only start regretting after what had happen when i could avoid it to happen.
I wish to change, throw this bad att away.humm~
And the funeral my mom and dad attended in Malacca today, was my dad's good old friend. He had high blood pressure and a stroke. Died in coma. really sad.
R.I.P Uncle Loh!
ohwell, this is life. One minute your alive and living your life, and the next minute you know life is not forever and its time to go.
goodnight blogders.
11:11 AM
So i've watch the whole season 1 and 2 of How I Met Your Mother today(skipped epis that i watched before) Damn its a good sitcom. I could watch it all day long :D tho i feel dam lifeless. I couldnt stop hunting for food to eat. Like today, I had a bowl of friendrice today, a bowl of kokocrunch with milk, ate quater of the green beans, ate 2 5x5cm cube kacang, ate finish the whole bag or kokocrunch, had 2 egg tarts,2 half boiled egges, and my dinner. God thats alot, im gaining weight doing this the whole day ohdamnnn!
#75 Marathon
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
So i've watch the whole season 1 and 2 of How I Met Your Mother today(skipped epis that i watched before) Damn its a good sitcom. I could watch it all day long :D tho i feel dam lifeless. I couldnt stop hunting for food to eat. Like today, I had a bowl of friendrice today, a bowl of kokocrunch with milk, ate quater of the green beans, ate 2 5x5cm cube kacang, ate finish the whole bag or kokocrunch, had 2 egg tarts,2 half boiled egges, and my dinner. God thats alot, im gaining weight doing this the whole day ohdamnnn!
Thats all for now. Im in my towel :3 haha
suck it bitchasss!
9:16 PM
I dont get it. Why is it so hard for me to speak up ? Why i keep quiet when i know something is wrong ? What am i afraid of huh ?
#74 Bravery
I dont get it. Why is it so hard for me to speak up ? Why i keep quiet when i know something is wrong ? What am i afraid of huh ?
You know, theres always a reason why sometimes i dont side anyone, because both sides have their own problem that they dont realize and starts thinking the other side is wrong and vice versa. Theres always a reason behind. We dont act/do/think that way without a reason(unless you are those fucked up one then bohbian)
I lazy to continue type the above cause my brain somehow is day dreaming.
I cant stop thinking of Ian Hecox(from SMOSH). He's dam cute and funny. Dam lah i want to meet him real life ):
Okay i want to go watch How I Met Your Mother now.
baii bictchas !
Labels: Random
1:03 AM
I found this. It was a very long time ago.hmm
#73 The past
Monday, January 17, 2011
I found this. It was a very long time ago.hmm
SUNDAY, MAY 10, 2009
i got a F in life. oh wow.
i dont know.
i keep to many things in my heart and i never share it with anyone
that should explaine how many scars are there on my hand.
i was too hurt till i had nobody to pour it too, but myself..
say it, you know it.
i know it too. im stupid, im dumb,im everything in this world thats makes a lving hell
but i had no choice,i cant think right. infact, i never think at all.
im a failure as a child,im a failure as a student,im a failure in everything.
im a failure in LIFE.
what am i suppose to do now ? should i just end my life or not.
ill definately will end life.i dont wanna suffer through this pain anymore.
it just hurt, always crying myself to sleep.
i dont know what else to say.
all i know is i can say that im sorry,if im not forgiven,just bloody take my life away.
i tried whatever i can. but i never succeded.
theres no one helping me at all.no one giving me confidence to go.
all i ever did was, good. i failed.
and whenever that happns, everyone thinks im happy with it or whatsoever
but,im not. i feel......myself.
i tried hard but....is there anyone there ?
you know who am i,what am i
but never a person is helpng me. even there is, they give up easy
how can i stand even longer ? your not in my shoe.
i understand how people feel, but nobody ever did to me.
i dont know what else more to say.
im freakingly hurt mentally. physically aint obvious.
OMG I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKING.i should just choke and die laughing at myself.
i need someone to be there. someone who i really trust.
i never trusted anyone at all. i only trust myself and thats how myself is now.
im going tru depressions and also suicidal and i look happy outside.
thinking why life is so unfair. life never is.
don take me to god cause i don believe in him\her.
i just wan life to be back like before. when i had a happy life,i never go tru depressions
but, i guess thats not gonna happen.is it ?
i had enough of this shit.
ohwell goodbye.
i keep to many things in my heart and i never share it with anyone
that should explaine how many scars are there on my hand.
i was too hurt till i had nobody to pour it too, but myself..
say it, you know it.
i know it too. im stupid, im dumb,im everything in this world thats makes a lving hell
but i had no choice,i cant think right. infact, i never think at all.
im a failure as a child,im a failure as a student,im a failure in everything.
im a failure in LIFE.
what am i suppose to do now ? should i just end my life or not.
ill definately will end life.i dont wanna suffer through this pain anymore.
it just hurt, always crying myself to sleep.
i dont know what else to say.
all i know is i can say that im sorry,if im not forgiven,just bloody take my life away.
i tried whatever i can. but i never succeded.
theres no one helping me at all.no one giving me confidence to go.
all i ever did was, good. i failed.
and whenever that happns, everyone thinks im happy with it or whatsoever
but,im not. i feel......myself.
i tried hard but....is there anyone there ?
you know who am i,what am i
but never a person is helpng me. even there is, they give up easy
how can i stand even longer ? your not in my shoe.
i understand how people feel, but nobody ever did to me.
i dont know what else more to say.
im freakingly hurt mentally. physically aint obvious.
OMG I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKING.i should just choke and die laughing at myself.
i need someone to be there. someone who i really trust.
i never trusted anyone at all. i only trust myself and thats how myself is now.
im going tru depressions and also suicidal and i look happy outside.
thinking why life is so unfair. life never is.
don take me to god cause i don believe in him\her.
i just wan life to be back like before. when i had a happy life,i never go tru depressions
but, i guess thats not gonna happen.is it ?
i had enough of this shit.
ohwell goodbye.
8:59 PM
So met up with Joshua, Alex, Steph and Mona today. Went to Espress cafe for lunch and to Sino-net to takei until 6. Later on we went to Subang Meeples to play board games (super fun place! im going there again idc!) and to this Lamb Steak House. I wont forget this day ever! Tho i meet up with Peter, Huifen, Daniel, Eddy, Hannah and Jowee only 2-4 times but its like ive known them for so long already.
#72 Surprises
So met up with Joshua, Alex, Steph and Mona today. Went to Espress cafe for lunch and to Sino-net to takei until 6. Later on we went to Subang Meeples to play board games (super fun place! im going there again idc!) and to this Lamb Steak House. I wont forget this day ever! Tho i meet up with Peter, Huifen, Daniel, Eddy, Hannah and Jowee only 2-4 times but its like ive known them for so long already.
I really got pranked today. I thought we were there because it was someone else birthday. Huifen was like telling me to sing birthday song along so i was like yeah sure okay ^_^ then when the waitress took the cake out and pass it to me asking "its your birthday right?" and i was like "uhh what ? no?" then josh took away the cake knife and pass it to Hannah and all of them we're acting. Then after the candles were light up(haven got a look at the cake) they sang(and so did i) until "Happy birthday to HELYNA" and i was like......."What the fuck ? Helyna ? Thats me weh! wtfwtf diao" i got dammmm shocked and i took a glance at the cake, it says "Happy birthday Helyna. We ♥ U".. Waaa houuu sweet aaaaa! Tho i dint cry but it really touch my heart..
Thank you soooo much Joshua,Alex,Steph,Mona,Daniel,Huifen,Peter,Hannah,Eddy! muahmuahmuah!
I never had a 99surprise birthday at all, I never had a softy and what the heck ? A dinosaur soft toy! It represents me alot so i really really like it! Thank youuuu soo muchhhhh!! I want to keel you all O: hehe
Oh and thanks for the cheesy scallop too :) *I loveeee scallops weh honestly*
The pressie ♥ dinosaur aka dinoRAWR
Really loving this dinoRAWR hehe
Left going down : Peter Tan, Daniel Yee, Eddy
Right going down : Hannah, Hui Fen, Alex, Stephanie, Mona and Josh
♥♥♥
1:43 AM
Am seriously dam addicted to battlefield2 man.
#71 Battlefield2
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Am seriously dam addicted to battlefield2 man.
I dint had enough sleep for these past few days, im so tired. Woke up at 9 for bahkutteh, went Blitz for battlefield2 at 4 then Jon's place at 8, and finally im home. ughh ! And i have to wake up tomorrow to meet up with Choc♥
Today was alright until just now when we're playing blackjack. Cant tahan with my friend's mouth. Super the 9peh, but ill let it go since he's memang like that.
I need to shout out loud now, im not happy. again.
2:57 AM
Ive been out the whole day today, just got home. So tireddd! We went to Ftz again just to play battlefiled2 ! fun game! Then we went to Pyramid to shop for Jon's 21st birthday present. Had Kebab and AuntieAnne's pretzel with Bea. Dam satisfying weh. 1 beef kebab, 1 cinnamon sugar pretzel, 1 caramel pretzel, and chocolate stix. Dam they were good but we waste alot cause we couldnt finish it haha Then went to Klang Blitzone(newly open and its only rm1 per hour promotion) to check out whether theres battlefield or not and successfully they do! Dont have to fly all the way to ftz anymore just to play battlefield ! YAY! then played pool in Golden Break. Im getting better at pool :D tho i dont play anymore hoho I really had fun today although im really tired because i dint had enough sleep and were out the whole day. teehee!
#70 Pretzels
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Ive been out the whole day today, just got home. So tireddd! We went to Ftz again just to play battlefiled2 ! fun game! Then we went to Pyramid to shop for Jon's 21st birthday present. Had Kebab and AuntieAnne's pretzel with Bea. Dam satisfying weh. 1 beef kebab, 1 cinnamon sugar pretzel, 1 caramel pretzel, and chocolate stix. Dam they were good but we waste alot cause we couldnt finish it haha Then went to Klang Blitzone(newly open and its only rm1 per hour promotion) to check out whether theres battlefield or not and successfully they do! Dont have to fly all the way to ftz anymore just to play battlefield ! YAY! then played pool in Golden Break. Im getting better at pool :D tho i dont play anymore hoho I really had fun today although im really tired because i dint had enough sleep and were out the whole day. teehee!
Cant wait to get the whole season of How i met your mother !! Sei kooi is having my hard disk, after he finish watching it then only i get to watch ): Oh well, Ill watch my anime while waiting for it (:
Funniest thing of today is, SOMEONE*im not gonna name* LEFT HIS FLY OPEN HAHAHAHAHAHHAA
Chao suckazzzz!
2:04 AM
I had a bad dream this afternoon. I was with my friends and family, we were all hunting for something somewhere or save house to survive, a tough journey. Its like theres nobody else on earth except us, paranormal stuffs and witchcraft etcetc. Theres a part where we had to cross one super big longkang, as we're crossing we saw this guy in the longkan standing and starring at us. He had a mangkuk haircut, black eyes(like kena possed), had weird piercing and dressing, paint all over the body, barefoot, and something like Hills Have Eyes(they eat human). As we're crossing, we asked him for directions to somewhere, he dint answer us, he kept starring and starring at us. Then my friend VK ask him again, "Can you tell us wheres the*blablabla*" then that weird guy started mumbling some....i wouldnt say it words, but its like a witch language. Vk started to shout and ask us to quickly cross and run away, "FASTER CROSS FASTER CROSS! DONT LOOK AT HIM! HE'S CURSING US!!" In terror we did what he said. Then i dont know what happen next, you know lah. When we're dreaming we can suddenly jump to somewhere we dont know and blablabla. We ended up inside a building, a tall one. We found a room, with supplies..food, electric, a place for us to stay. Then again i dont know how, some of us we're downstairs checking on something. A woman(im not gonna say what she wore and everything,later say i racist pulak =.=) , out of nowhere came out to us and ask if we needed help, so we asked her dont know what. Then suddenly we were running away from her, running all the way up back to our room. She had a small girl;something like her assistance and a slave(really ugly one), came chasing after us.. We ran all the way up half way exhausted, but the girl wasnt so she was gaining on us,so is the woman but shes slower. "Dont let them go! catch them catch them!" she shouted and the small girl did. She got a hold on...(i forgot whose hand) and hypnotized he/she. Vk quickly ran back down and pull him/her away(wasnt fully hypnotize) and continue running up. As we're reaching the room, Vk shouted "Whatever you do; dont give your hands to them! Dont pay attention to them!" without asking why,we did as he said. As the woman came up, She was smiling widely and acting really nice. Her slaves came closer to us and started..... luring one by one of us to them, giving our hands to them, getting hypnotized. Me and my sister was the last one who got hyp,the woman came closer and closer to us trying to lure us too, i took something of the table and threw it to her. She was super pissed, i made her fire bigger. She turned even more uglier and started screaming "ILL GET YOU!". I pulled my sister hand and quickly ran back downstairs. The woman came chasing us, this time she was faster, shes freaking floating leh =.= we ran and ran and ran until my sister got tired and stopped, the woman got her and casted spell on her as i ran. I realized i was the only one left while the others are caught. I kept running and the woman was just right behind me almost grabbing my hand then suddenly...
#69 Scary
Friday, January 14, 2011
I had a bad dream this afternoon. I was with my friends and family, we were all hunting for something somewhere or save house to survive, a tough journey. Its like theres nobody else on earth except us, paranormal stuffs and witchcraft etcetc. Theres a part where we had to cross one super big longkang, as we're crossing we saw this guy in the longkan standing and starring at us. He had a mangkuk haircut, black eyes(like kena possed), had weird piercing and dressing, paint all over the body, barefoot, and something like Hills Have Eyes(they eat human). As we're crossing, we asked him for directions to somewhere, he dint answer us, he kept starring and starring at us. Then my friend VK ask him again, "Can you tell us wheres the*blablabla*" then that weird guy started mumbling some....i wouldnt say it words, but its like a witch language. Vk started to shout and ask us to quickly cross and run away, "FASTER CROSS FASTER CROSS! DONT LOOK AT HIM! HE'S CURSING US!!" In terror we did what he said. Then i dont know what happen next, you know lah. When we're dreaming we can suddenly jump to somewhere we dont know and blablabla. We ended up inside a building, a tall one. We found a room, with supplies..food, electric, a place for us to stay. Then again i dont know how, some of us we're downstairs checking on something. A woman(im not gonna say what she wore and everything,later say i racist pulak =.=) , out of nowhere came out to us and ask if we needed help, so we asked her dont know what. Then suddenly we were running away from her, running all the way up back to our room. She had a small girl;something like her assistance and a slave(really ugly one), came chasing after us.. We ran all the way up half way exhausted, but the girl wasnt so she was gaining on us,so is the woman but shes slower. "Dont let them go! catch them catch them!" she shouted and the small girl did. She got a hold on...(i forgot whose hand) and hypnotized he/she. Vk quickly ran back down and pull him/her away(wasnt fully hypnotize) and continue running up. As we're reaching the room, Vk shouted "Whatever you do; dont give your hands to them! Dont pay attention to them!" without asking why,we did as he said. As the woman came up, She was smiling widely and acting really nice. Her slaves came closer to us and started..... luring one by one of us to them, giving our hands to them, getting hypnotized. Me and my sister was the last one who got hyp,the woman came closer and closer to us trying to lure us too, i took something of the table and threw it to her. She was super pissed, i made her fire bigger. She turned even more uglier and started screaming "ILL GET YOU!". I pulled my sister hand and quickly ran back downstairs. The woman came chasing us, this time she was faster, shes freaking floating leh =.= we ran and ran and ran until my sister got tired and stopped, the woman got her and casted spell on her as i ran. I realized i was the only one left while the others are caught. I kept running and the woman was just right behind me almost grabbing my hand then suddenly...
I WOKE UP ! i cannot tahan leh..dam scary..suddenly a pontianak chasing me like hell..my goodness ! i was so frighten, i dint go back to sleep O_O
well, this is all i can remember. I know its stupid but what the heck, why you go read until down here? hahahahaha
Dreaming of all this shit, make me started thinking of something else..Which im not gonna blog about it today. Tomorrow or something lah.
Now i want to go watch my anime :D and then to bed. TEEHEEE!
12:58 AM
I used to have problems going to sleep at night, then slowly i recovered. Now insomnia is back. Last night i dint had a good sleep tho i was fucking tired. Eventhough im asleep, but my mind isnt set to rest. I kept rolling around my bed forcing myself to sleep; i did really fall asleep ! at freaking 6am. I dont want to live like 2 years ago ): Where i really cant sleep at night and got screwed for sleeping in class. I really suffered. Too many things on my mind that i haven let go. I hate it when this happens.
I hate myself.
#68 Sleepy
Thursday, January 13, 2011
I used to have problems going to sleep at night, then slowly i recovered. Now insomnia is back. Last night i dint had a good sleep tho i was fucking tired. Eventhough im asleep, but my mind isnt set to rest. I kept rolling around my bed forcing myself to sleep; i did really fall asleep ! at freaking 6am. I dont want to live like 2 years ago ): Where i really cant sleep at night and got screwed for sleeping in class. I really suffered. Too many things on my mind that i haven let go. I hate it when this happens.
I hate myself.
Labels: Life
2:03 PM
I had to wake up early morning to go for driving class. gah ! Am so not satisfied. I only drove like freaking 10 minutes then uncle's car clutch got problem. Wasted my time waiting when i can be sleeping till 1pm.
I know somebody's stalking my blog alot. Nobody reads my blog one lah, why the counter keep adding one? Eh please lah leave something in the chatbox ): So i can know whose reading my blog ):
#67 10 minutes
I had to wake up early morning to go for driving class. gah ! Am so not satisfied. I only drove like freaking 10 minutes then uncle's car clutch got problem. Wasted my time waiting when i can be sleeping till 1pm.
I know somebody's stalking my blog alot. Nobody reads my blog one lah, why the counter keep adding one? Eh please lah leave something in the chatbox ): So i can know whose reading my blog ):
Labels: Daily
1:52 PM
I just realize all my post are at 2.++ am. Waa dint know i blog this late also. haha
Not bad eh, i just only put the counter today and it had 16 visitors already! And i thought nobody reads my blog. (someone's stalking me) Please lah leave something in the chatbox! dont let it be dead ):
So anyway, I have this few friends that i really start to not like(hate is a strong word). They think they're all good and stuffs that they have the rights to talk about other people. I mean, c'mon lah. Who you think you are ? Some kind of a big shit is it ? Just because you dont know them doesnt mean they're all you think they are. We dont have the rights to judge people, afterall, we're not that perfect also. But honestly, you are way worst than the people you talk about. So dont talk about people before you look yourself in the mirror. Nobody is perfect. We are all different kind of people. The way we talk, we communicate, we act, we're all different. We just dont click with each other right away one right ? We all have different background. Dont label anyone. Trust me, once you get to know others, your judgement will change.
But if i were to have a chance to critic you, id say you are one hell of an arrogant feller, you always think you're better than everyone else but actually you are not. You are bloody the LanSi,Guailan etcetc. I really hate it when you use those words on other people. Even to my siblings. You're the reason why we hardly talk or mix with you guys, cause you people judge people too much before knowing them and worst to worst, you don't know what type of person you are and you're calling other people words. Seriously, people like you are hard to make friends. Just stop bullshiting lah okay ?
I guess ill stop blogging now. Its time to head the sack(its bloody 2am man).
Nights blogders!
#66 Nightstalker
I just realize all my post are at 2.++ am. Waa dint know i blog this late also. haha
Not bad eh, i just only put the counter today and it had 16 visitors already! And i thought nobody reads my blog. (someone's stalking me) Please lah leave something in the chatbox! dont let it be dead ):
So anyway, I have this few friends that i really start to not like(hate is a strong word). They think they're all good and stuffs that they have the rights to talk about other people. I mean, c'mon lah. Who you think you are ? Some kind of a big shit is it ? Just because you dont know them doesnt mean they're all you think they are. We dont have the rights to judge people, afterall, we're not that perfect also. But honestly, you are way worst than the people you talk about. So dont talk about people before you look yourself in the mirror. Nobody is perfect. We are all different kind of people. The way we talk, we communicate, we act, we're all different. We just dont click with each other right away one right ? We all have different background. Dont label anyone. Trust me, once you get to know others, your judgement will change.
But if i were to have a chance to critic you, id say you are one hell of an arrogant feller, you always think you're better than everyone else but actually you are not. You are bloody the LanSi,Guailan etcetc. I really hate it when you use those words on other people. Even to my siblings. You're the reason why we hardly talk or mix with you guys, cause you people judge people too much before knowing them and worst to worst, you don't know what type of person you are and you're calling other people words. Seriously, people like you are hard to make friends. Just stop bullshiting lah okay ?
I guess ill stop blogging now. Its time to head the sack(its bloody 2am man).
Nights blogders!
2:05 AM
I suddenly feel like changing my layout, so i revert to the old one and played with the html codes. I was doing this 3-4am in the morning (: its pretty to me tho. Needs a lil more adjust.
#65 Something new
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I suddenly feel like changing my layout, so i revert to the old one and played with the html codes. I was doing this 3-4am in the morning (: its pretty to me tho. Needs a lil more adjust.
I also put in a Cbox, for friends to leave a message, if you want too lah. Leave your name with your link and ill check out your blog too. TEEHEEE!
Click SPEAKUP to Speak up !(cbox is hidden there)
righttt......there
<<<<<<<<<<<
Labels: Random
1:42 PM
Okay, it isnt easy as i thought i would be. He bought me a fairieswheel(dont know whether i spelled it right or not), a musical one. He said "If at night you cant sleep, just spin it on and listen to it. Then you'll be able to sleep*in hokkien*". My goddd.... he's so sweet can ?
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...
#64 Falling asleep
Okay, it isnt easy as i thought i would be. He bought me a fairieswheel(dont know whether i spelled it right or not), a musical one. He said "If at night you cant sleep, just spin it on and listen to it. Then you'll be able to sleep*in hokkien*". My goddd.... he's so sweet can ?
This is what meant he kept coming back. I avoided as much as i could but still ? sigh. I dint wanted to accept it but he bought earlier ago, i dint want to open it but my ass-sister go open and showed it to me. Now everytime when i look at it, ill be thinking of him. Even worst, i cant stop thinking now.
I want to hate him so much =.= All my excuses isnt working. gah!
Linkin Park, waiting for the end to come :
Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control....
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go...
Labels: Love
2:24 AM
Yeah its the 11/01/2011, which means IM OFFICIALLY LEGAL now ! wooooo!
#63 IM 18
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Yeah its the 11/01/2011, which means IM OFFICIALLY LEGAL now ! wooooo!
Id like to thank my friends Beatrice,Yinzhi,Tungwey,Boondeng,Hockkooi,Aby,Vinkong and others for attending on saturday and drinking and for the cake ! (: Memoriable one! thankkkss love you guys many many manyyyy ! And my elder sister for the Chocolate Philipino cake(my favourite!) thanks yeah jie (:
and everyone else for the birthday wishes!
hmmm..since im legal now, what to do ? \:
Labels: Events
4:24 PM
I hate looking at my dad sometimes. No not because i really hate him or what, is because he's so skinny now ! last time he looked like Santa Clause's brother, happy and jolly(withouht a beard lah). Now, his waist is atleast 26cm(maybe lesser). Now he always dont have an appetite to eat at all, he only drinks milk and force himself to eat bread of biscuit. Sometimes when we're out together, we always let him pick what to eat because not everything that he can eat. I can hear his tears in his voice whenever he answer us "Lei tei yew sek mat ma sek lah, mmsai lei ngo, ngo yew sek mat chin kan ngo hiu chikei sek. moi lei ngo" (translation: you want to eat what you eat, dont have to care about me,i want to eat what i can eat my own later, dont care about me). See what i mean ? before he's sick, his very the happening one you know ? he loves to travel everywhere,bringing us to places we've never been before. He's always searching for good food, trying everything new. He can travel all the way to johor to eat good food and come back. But now he doesnt. Its hard to see him like this. He used to always do silly stuffs, silly dance moves and make us laugh. Things have changed. He's not strong like he used to be, but i can see him fighthing for his life. He is.
#62 Daddy ?
Monday, January 10, 2011
I hate looking at my dad sometimes. No not because i really hate him or what, is because he's so skinny now ! last time he looked like Santa Clause's brother, happy and jolly(withouht a beard lah). Now, his waist is atleast 26cm(maybe lesser). Now he always dont have an appetite to eat at all, he only drinks milk and force himself to eat bread of biscuit. Sometimes when we're out together, we always let him pick what to eat because not everything that he can eat. I can hear his tears in his voice whenever he answer us "Lei tei yew sek mat ma sek lah, mmsai lei ngo, ngo yew sek mat chin kan ngo hiu chikei sek. moi lei ngo" (translation: you want to eat what you eat, dont have to care about me,i want to eat what i can eat my own later, dont care about me). See what i mean ? before he's sick, his very the happening one you know ? he loves to travel everywhere,bringing us to places we've never been before. He's always searching for good food, trying everything new. He can travel all the way to johor to eat good food and come back. But now he doesnt. Its hard to see him like this. He used to always do silly stuffs, silly dance moves and make us laugh. Things have changed. He's not strong like he used to be, but i can see him fighthing for his life. He is.
I should start fighting in my own battle too..
I love you daddy, have always and will always do.
Labels: Life
2:16 PM
I am poor. My family is poor. My mom cant find a job because they want a higher cert, my dad had nose cancer and it spread to his back therefore he cannot work anymore. I have 2 younger siblings who are still in highschool and an elder sis who is working. Tho we live in a big house, but inside, we have nothing.
#61 Poor
Saturday, January 8, 2011
I am poor. My family is poor. My mom cant find a job because they want a higher cert, my dad had nose cancer and it spread to his back therefore he cannot work anymore. I have 2 younger siblings who are still in highschool and an elder sis who is working. Tho we live in a big house, but inside, we have nothing.
I used to live in an average life. I spend all i want without worrying. My cloths are not cheap, i must buy a new school bag every year tho the old ones are still in good condition, eventhough i still have something somewhere but i dint care about it and go get a brand new one,i must have everything new. No, im not a spoil kid, i control my spendings, i dont suck up to my parents for the latest gadget like handphones and everything(until today my most expensive phone is only rm200, my 5800xm i earn it myself). My nickname was *orang kaya* in school, i spend rm200 on school canteen day to earn money for the school, i give stufs to my friends that they cant afford to buy one and alot of taking out money for something. I dint have to care about anything.
Then everything went bad, its like im in a nightmare and i cant wake up from it. Eversince we shifted to the house im staying now, Everything from good went bad. My mom is jobless, my dad is sick, my grandma is also sick. We had no income. We have no money. Its hard living like this all in a sudden. Now everytime when i want to buy something, i have to think twice and look for the cheapest around town but in the end i dont buy it cause i couldnt afford one. Everytime when i go out with friends, my pocket is always empty so i dont spend, even when i had too spend i would borrow money from friends and pay them back when i have the money. My mom usually gives me money whenever i go out, but now its like "where are you going?...oh ok" and then walks away. I am sad, very. Sometimes at home dont have anything to eat, i had to starve myself and die. Whats the saddest thing most is that, after we shifted my dad and grandma was really ill, both had cancer and still fighting now. Boii i was very down and upset hearing those news. Our family isnt as happy as we are like before, We dont do things together anymore, No chinese drama at night or having dinner together, No having a family day going out together, everything no more. I cut myself 2 times after shifted,thats why i have scars. I couldnt bare the pain i was going through. And i kept thinking, what if we never shifted at the first place? non of this will happen, we'll be living like before where theres super loud laughters. Am i happy ? No im not happy.
You know how the feeling of going home ? *infront of the gate*"ahhhh home sweet home", thats the feeling. But me ? No i dont see any home, i see it as a place for me to sleep only. Home is no where. Thats why i am so depressed at times, why i always go out with my friends and come back late night, im trying to run away from my problems. Im not a person who share stuffs with friends so i could feel relief, im a person who puts on a fake smile and act as if everything is okay, but its not okay, never. Im not okay.
I have always dream of going to TOA and come out as a designer but my dreams died cause i couldnt afford. Knowing that i couldnt get anything killed my hopes. I dont feel like doing anything now and i blame this house. I am sad.
I have always hated myself. I had no confidence to anything; no self-esteem no nothing. I hated me. I am fear of rejection thats why i always hide myself. I dont plan to fall in love with anyone but i guess i failed. Im in love with someone now but he doesnt, I had to stop everything im doing with him even talking to him. I deleted his number and messages so i could move on but he kept coming back to me. Its fucking hard and you know how it feels like when you're inlove. I am rejected.
I blame everything on this fucking house im staying at now. Every single fucking thing. I hate this house im living in. Because of this house, im living in my own shadow. I couldnt let go. I have never told anyone about this therefore im blogging it right it so id feel better writing it somewhere. Nobody knows what i feel and think inside. Until today, when someone talks to me about this, i cant stop crying and never will. I cried myself to sleep every night hoping to wake up from this shit-mare. But i guess i couldnt, its reality. I am in reality !
I dint cut myself for guys or anyone,i dont want anybody's attention and when smeone ask me about the scars i have, i lie to them. The reasons why i cut myself so many times ? I feel so hurt, by feeling hurt i hurt myself to let go. I dint let it go on something else but myself because i cant bare the pain. The pain that i had to hurt myself. You may think im crazy but no, im not crazy. I just want my previous life back,take back everything. Im am in pain.
Im not happy,
Im not okay,
I am sad,
I am rejected,
I am in PAIN.
It hurts so much.
the Offspring : Dont waste your whole life trying, to get back what was taken away.
3:44 AM
#60 Hardest words.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
What I got to do to make you love me?
What I got to do to make you care?
What do I do when lightning strikes me?
And I wake to find that you’re not there?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why the heck do i keep thinking of him ? and whenever i forget about him, he'll comes up texting or calling me. Its like, im not suppose to forget him at all and im going to be stuck like this for the rest of my life D: WHY WHY WHY ?!
Why do i get this awkward feeling whenever you're around ?
Why do i get envy of the other girls when you're around ?
Why is it you who's always heard me whenever i shout really loud instead of the others ?
Why is it you im always alone with ?
Why is it you i want whenever im alone ?
Why is it you i want whenever im alone ?
Why is it easy for you to say "i love you" to anyone even when you dont ?
Why did i fall for your "i love you" when i know you dont mean it ?
I want you to read my blog so badly so you would know why i dint want to play along anymore,why i dint want to talk much with you; why im treating you cold.
Its because im falling for you, thats why.
but wth, what if you've read my blog ? you wouldnt understand what was i trying to say anyway since your english suck big time asklfaslkfnasgknsdc.
Why am i so fragile ?
Im feeling so depressed! argh! i want to get drunk and cry all my sorrows out so i wont have this pain inside of me.
I hate chinese eds. the only reasons i can find a way to forget about you, cause you speak chinese and i dont.
YYW,IHATEYOU.
Labels: Love
12:02 AM
Happy New Year ! Hope 2011 dont suck at all (:
#59 Welcome 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year ! Hope 2011 dont suck at all (:
I had fun counting down the end of 2010 at KlangParade there, goooodddd Kp is upgrading ! not that lala now, not bad not bad!
So yeahh, Live fireworks with super loud crowd. We were drinking Dewars&Chivas, i really had fun especially seeing vinkong's friend drunk aha so cute one his patern all !
Okay i want to talk about something else. About this guy ive been mentioning all about in my previous post. Im trying to not get close to him anymore, i dont want to play around with him anymore, making him my yesterday. I dont know how is this gonna work cause i see him almost everyday so its gonna be harddd. I hate it when he comes close to me, makes me lose my mind, lose control! And then not aware of my behaviour. hehzz. And also knowing about something whenever im not around breaks me down. sucks to have this feeling.
So anyway, Goodbye 2010 ! Leaving you with my sorrows.
10:41 PM
