Ive promised ill blog about something in the post #69. Something about losing your love ones.

Okay, I may look strong outside but honestly, Im not in the inside. I shatter easily.

Everytime i wake up from a bad dream(post #69), it makes me think "what if that really happens? How am i going to face it?" I mean, losing my love ones is...either the Oxford dictionary dont have a word to describe this feeling. Seeing my parents and my grandma condition worries me alot, like ALOT. They could go anytime soon, but i put that aside and act as if everything is gonna be okay. I mean like, whats the worst that can happen right ? (im an ass) I tried to change, tried to appreciate them everyday; I do appreciate, i just dont show it. Explicitly, i dont know how to show my love to my love ones and i dont know why. Like today when my mom and dad left to Malacca for this funeral(ill talk about it later), my sis hugged my mom and said blablabla while i just stare and turn away. I dint have the guts to suddenly hug my mom for no reasons. I think, what they think of me; Im the worst daughter ever, i suck up to them when i need cash and forgets them after giving me and every other stuffs that i want. But honestly, no im not a suck up. I really do love my parents, I treasure them alot, i just dont show them how i feel inside. Even like the time when i was in depression, my mom had a talk with me, open up to me, told me how she felt inside and we both started crying. She tried so hard to be there for me but failed cause i dint tell whats inside my heart or why was i in depression(like a gazillion times). Im just not into telling people how i feel. Maybe cause that was how i grew up, not being close nor open to my family. Especially when im turning to a teen, my family isnt a family till now i dont really know whats a family and home. And all i have are my friends to run to, run away from my problem. This is another reason why i treasure friendship alot. hmm

and worst comes to worst, i have this bad habit. "Until it happens, thats when ill only learn my lesson", in another words, Ill only start regretting after what had happen when i could avoid it to happen.

I wish to change, throw this bad att away.humm~

And the funeral my mom and dad attended in Malacca today, was my dad's good old friend. He had high blood pressure and a stroke. Died in coma. really sad.

ohwell, this is life. One minute your alive and living your life, and the next minute you know life is not forever and its time to go.

goodnight blogders.

11:11 AM