#118 Lost
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Its weird. Ive been dreaming to be a famous graphic designer eversince i was 12. People always praised me, saying im really good at it. And people always come looking for me to give my opinions, choose what is suitable for them, designing for them. My highschool friends used to pay me just to draw their names on a paper. And many admires my works. My dad is always proud of me, cause he knows i have potential in this, im not gonna be lost when i grow up cause he knows designing is my future. I agree. C;mon man, ive waited for 6 years to leave school so i can further my studies in design. Its only me and my dad who looks into art really deep, he share stuffs with me,give me advices, he passes me all his college tools, all just for me. We relate in a way, this way. When we go to an art museum, we look at arts together and share our thoughts together of a painting. And he always show me all his artist,carpenters work, and bring them home for me. All the books and everything he can get. We share the same interest :) My mom used to boost around about me, until now. I was embarassed, yet i was happy cause i make her proud too. But no we dint connect like how me and my dad did. But they both were really proud of me, when i show them all my works from college. Especially my dad. i like seeing him smile :) eventhough he was really ill at that moment. That was the best feeling ever, to see him smile. I regreted once, for not coming back home when he asked me too, its not because he wants me to take care of him when my siblings are around at home. Its because he really loves me and he wanted me to be there for him. But i was stupid enough to not know that until my aunt tells me.
Recently, im starting to lose interest in designing and art. I mean who am i kidding right? Its arts and design, i was born to do this ! but then, it isnt anymore. Im getting sick of designing, sick of all this. I wanna quit so badly, i dont have the courage to do it anymore. All of this. And the reason is because ive lost my inspiration, my idol, my dad. Eversince he's gone, i felt like i have no reasons to continue it anymore. I really do feel very lost now. I miss my dad so so much.
He always helped me out. He even wanted to introduce me to his designing team, his friends who works in big big company with big big pay. We both know my future is really bright. But he's gone now, i dont know what to do anymore.
Talking about all these, it reminds me that i promised to draw a potrait of my dad, and play a song for him on the guitar(self taught) How i wish he was still here ): to do what ive promised. To tell me what to do, lead me to the right path again . I wish he was still here so i could show him my coll mag :3 how one my work is featured in it, and its 1 out of the 3 biggest in it hehehe. he would be sooooooooooooooooooooooooo proud i could imagine him smiling and all.
But its all over. All i have now is him in my heart, him in my memories and his stone on the praying table. But that isnt enough. And its killing me inside.
I felt so useless because i wasnt home when he left us. I feel so sorry and theres nothing that can cure how i feel now. Eventhough i have tons of friends, but still...nothing can cure me...This is the reason why i like being alone at times. So nobody would see the tears and pain im going through. That everything is okay...
Dont tell me to just get over with it, this is life or whatever shit. You have no idea what me and my dad have. And theres no right for you to judge me or 'ah this is life' ok? just fuck off if you're planning to say that. i dont need your shits..
And recently, im breaking down even more. Many problems coming up and i dont know what to do.
What will ?
11:20 PM
