So my bestfriend told me about what shes going to do for degree today. that she changed her mind about being a lawyer and applying for marketing and advertizing. Im happy that she knows shes not a lawyer type and not agreeing to pursuit it, and she doesnt have to suffer from doing something she doesnt like. yeah ofcourse im happy for her. But why am i feeling sad at the same time ?

Because shes doing somethign that ive dreamt of doing, achieving and being. Working in an advertising company, being an advertiser. Something that I know what im going to do, and what i want to do. It sucks cause i really dont want to compete, i dont want to do the same thing as my friends are doing. I dont want to be compared with. What worst than that is, she has the chance to do her degree out of malaysia. My one and only achivement now, Is to get a double degree in advertising and visual communications. And work in a big company of advertising. Like how me and my dad plan for me to do. And seeing someone so close to you, your the other half, the person who knows you so long and so well, going after what you are dreaming of, living your dreams, hurts. Knowing that i can never be good at something, seeing someone living my own dream. It hurts so badly eventho im happy for that person. And it sucks. worst come to worst is not being friends at all cause i cannot stand seeing someone that has everything they want,can do whatever they want, whenever they want and doing what i love most.

I know some people will be like 'why not do the same thing but be better?', how can i be better when someone has better privilege, better things than i do. its just that I dont want people to compare with me. Cause i know i can never be better than someone, not when others have everything and i have nothing,nowhere to start.. Never. Tell me if im wrong, but im not a person that has confidence themselves. Im just not better. Never better. ALWAYS 'Almost there' but im never there. And it sucks. Its like telling me, youre almost a designer, but youre not. I hate it when my lecturers tells me there 'Oh, youre almost there'..But never once told me 'You are there'.. And i hate it so much, it crushes me. Brings me down all the time. Im always getting that stupid phrase every single time. Somehow i just dont know why Im doing this also. And then ill start giving up. and falling back into depression. Feeling so hopeless and useless. Cause I am nothing to this world. And then starts suicidal.

And i thought i was getting better you know. I thought i was over with depression. But the truth is, i can never get this shit feeling of me.Especially when the above is partly why im depressed.
And to actually think i was helping myself to feel better, be positive about everything. I even have motivating quotes hanging on my wall so whenever Im down, i could read all those and maybe feel better. But we all know very well, it wont last. Me ? I wont last. ever/.