I felt a little better after telling my bestfriend a lil bout what im going through now. Im glad she understands. tho she doesnt know how i truely felt. So i stayed over her place for 3 nights straight. I could tell i was feeling so much better and i thought hey? my depression is gone. But its not gone. its still there. I went home on the fourth night and all the shit feelings came back. well, ive blogged about how i felt about my home before. It was never a home. I felt so home when i was at my bestfriends place, just not at my own house. I thought slitting myself would make me feel better, it did. But it was just for that moment. And running away from my depression doesnt help much. Watching funny videos doesnt help too. Im so depressed i cant do my work. my assignment. And i really dont want to go to class. Face the shit lecturer that talks so much, pisses me off even more. I just dont feel like doing anything now. Hoping to feel problems free, trying not to think and be dead for the time being. I hate myself for feeling this way. I hate everything thats making me feel this way. I hate my home. I hate my family. I hate my mom so much I just dont want to see her anymore. But shes the only parent i left, and i should love her more, but nothing can ease my hatred towards her. Nothing. Everytime i think about her, i get angry. So much anger i couldnt control my actions.

I dont think i can do design anymore. Everything is based on what i feel and think. Right now, i couldnt think at all, and the feelings messes me up. I know i must not let mood take over me. But how ?! I cant think whats right and whats not.

And suddenly i cant think what i was trying to say. Cant think at all ! UGHH I HATE MYSELF !! fuck this shit !

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