Its nice to know some people are actually reading your blog and cared. I made this into something that i can rant on and ti wasnt for anyone to read eventho its public. but yeaa.
So if youre reading this, thank you ?

Have been crying 4-5 times a day. all 3 days straight. Im just so fucking depressed. depressed till i shut down everything so that people cant get through me.
I know theres something wrong with me. And i really want to find out why and throw this shit feeling away.
Ive been researching on bipolar disorder. And it seems i might have it. Ive checked out symptoms and people with this disorder. I find myself facing most of the symptoms of it. Going through what other people with this disorder is going through. Knowing that i might have mental illness scares the heck out of me. So i had the courage to seek for help, im really desprate for help. But guess what? the person that brought me into this world, is the person i fucking hate most now. yeah my mom. i had the courage to seek for help and to talk to her, and all she could say was 'hahaha". just hahaha. Im so depressed till i had the thoughts of suicidal, all you can say is haha? If i can come to you and talk about this, do i sound like im fucking joking with you? You think you know me well enough ? i dont even fucking see you more than 5 times in a week! you dont even fucking know what/how im doing outside the house. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK AM I STRUGGLING WITH NOW AND HOW SERIOUS IT CAN GET. you know me? bullshit o0o YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME.  never thought i could hate someone so deep. especially not someone that took care of you for 19 years.
the person who SUPPOSEDLY to know me well than anyone in the world couldnt even stop and ask me what was my problem, but just laughed at me. best parent ever. makes me fucking more depressed.
guess im just stuck like this. feeling depressed over and over again. Until one day where i cant take it no more.
Fucking hate how im feeling now, affects people around me. Ive been treating some people really cold. yea my grandma, i feel so fucking bad but i couldnt control my anger and hatred. Until she thinks she must have said/done somethign wrong until im treating her this cold. I heard her crying but i had no power to go to her, to go comfort her. i heard her trying to open my room door but i had no will to go unlock it to see whats wrong. instead i just ly on the bed crying my eyes out feeling so fucking hopeless and useless.  And i want her to know so badly, that its not her, its just me.

tbh, i feel slightly better than the past days. after slitting myself. lightens my heart. It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me. 
But i dont want this suicidal thought to keep coming into me.

It's slowly eating me inside.