#130 helpless?
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Its nice to know some people are actually reading your blog and cared. I made this into something that i can rant on and ti wasnt for anyone to read eventho its public. but yeaa.
So if youre reading this, thank you ?
Have been crying 4-5 times a day. all 3 days straight. Im just so fucking depressed. depressed till i shut down everything so that people cant get through me.
I know theres something wrong with me. And i really want to find out why and throw this shit feeling away.
Ive been researching on bipolar disorder. And it seems i might have it. Ive checked out symptoms and people with this disorder. I find myself facing most of the symptoms of it. Going through what other people with this disorder is going through. Knowing that i might have mental illness scares the heck out of me. So i had the courage to seek for help, im really desprate for help. But guess what? the person that brought me into this world, is the person i fucking hate most now. yeah my mom. i had the courage to seek for help and to talk to her, and all she could say was 'hahaha". just hahaha. Im so depressed till i had the thoughts of suicidal, all you can say is haha? If i can come to you and talk about this, do i sound like im fucking joking with you? You think you know me well enough ? i dont even fucking see you more than 5 times in a week! you dont even fucking know what/how im doing outside the house. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK AM I STRUGGLING WITH NOW AND HOW SERIOUS IT CAN GET. you know me? bullshit o0o YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT ME. never thought i could hate someone so deep. especially not someone that took care of you for 19 years.
the person who SUPPOSEDLY to know me well than anyone in the world couldnt even stop and ask me what was my problem, but just laughed at me. best parent ever. makes me fucking more depressed.
guess im just stuck like this. feeling depressed over and over again. Until one day where i cant take it no more.
Fucking hate how im feeling now, affects people around me. Ive been treating some people really cold. yea my grandma, i feel so fucking bad but i couldnt control my anger and hatred. Until she thinks she must have said/done somethign wrong until im treating her this cold. I heard her crying but i had no power to go to her, to go comfort her. i heard her trying to open my room door but i had no will to go unlock it to see whats wrong. instead i just ly on the bed crying my eyes out feeling so fucking hopeless and useless. And i want her to know so badly, that its not her, its just me.
tbh, i feel slightly better than the past days. after slitting myself. lightens my heart. It's like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me.
But i dont want this suicidal thought to keep coming into me.
It's slowly eating me inside.
6:44 PM
This i gotta share.
#129 Eminem
Friday, September 28, 2012
This i gotta share.
Eminem is my only idol that i love most. I love all of his songs. Although im not going through the same thing as he did, but his lyrics all make sense. Its all based on his life, how he started from nothing till now, a superstar that inspired alot of people. Ive been seeing his interview videos, Sharing about his life when he was a kid, what he went through from school, getting bullied and all. How manage to hold it all in. And i like how he reads alot of dictionary to learn new words, and jot them down on a paper. Thats why alot of his song lyrics rhymes. And he even made new words to suit his lyrics and it still make sense (even if its not a real word). I love him so much, i cant stop listening to his songs ! every single day! The song i love most from his is "BEAUTIFUL". Motivates me alot. I really hoped to see him live one day. ONE DAY ! but malaysia wouldnt let him come. i mean yeah he drop f bombs everywhere in his songs. but fuck it. he's awesome and they should let him come ! itll be one god damn fucking night that nobody who attend will ever forget. prolly half of malaysia would be there ! har har. so yeah. thats pretty much it.
Eminem : "I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh
I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you want to cry"
He knows me well :) har har kidding.
5:02 PM
I think i really need to see a psychiatrist. To know why am i constantly feeling like this. Ive been crying for years, always in depression. and then comes suicidal. And i have no idea why. I just feel this way, all the time. All i know is im messed up in my mind. Not thinking straight or rightly. and i want to seek for help. Why am i always emotionaly unstable. and its fucked because i can never think happy and be happy. i suddenly dont know whats happy and whats sad. feelings all messed up. i dont know what to feel. and this sucks. whatever shit im in right now, its affecting everything around me. you know what. i dont know what else to say as im lost in my mine now.
#128 Broken
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I think i really need to see a psychiatrist. To know why am i constantly feeling like this. Ive been crying for years, always in depression. and then comes suicidal. And i have no idea why. I just feel this way, all the time. All i know is im messed up in my mind. Not thinking straight or rightly. and i want to seek for help. Why am i always emotionaly unstable. and its fucked because i can never think happy and be happy. i suddenly dont know whats happy and whats sad. feelings all messed up. i dont know what to feel. and this sucks. whatever shit im in right now, its affecting everything around me. you know what. i dont know what else to say as im lost in my mine now.
8:59 PM
So recently, ive been helping out to design stuffs for this charity event. Kept me really busy till i literally had no time to finish up my assignments. I was doing really fine when my semester starts, keeping it simple and easy. I had no problems with my design ideas and lecturers and i thought i might have a good semester. But guess what? i was wrong. It started off nice but as days past by, im going back into depression mode. LAST PLACE I WANT TO BE AT. Im 19 now, old enough to know all the stories and truths of my dad's life. So yeah, ive been listening to stories from my relatives. Old stories of what happened last time, made my life today. How my mom became a pain in the ass, how my dad had a terrible accident that cost someone's life. How much better it would be if my dad was still around. Nahhh im still not over the fact that ive lost my dad. I jsut try to forget it everyday, come home and run to my room and lock myself in. Its my daily routine now. or just run out to find friends.
what i feel now and then is fucked up. I couldnt think straight. infact, i couldnt think at all. There was jsut so many things going in my mind that made me not pay attention in classes or when someone's ranting to my about their problems. Couldnt think of what i was diong and whether its right. Suffering much. and it sucks cause its affecting my assignments. So sick of it.
Im trying to score all As this semester and i had the confidence too. until now. fucking hate how life throws itself back to me. I cant take a break cause nothing will ever ease my mind. Ive tried going to places to have a cuppa alone, looking at the work of mother nature, catching the latest movies, hanging with friends. nahh it dint help much, cant Not feel. Also, theres something else going on, that fucks my mind even more. Im trying to forget it now but sadly i cant. Been trying for days but fucking mind messing with me. All these shits mixes up and gives me this shit feeling. depress depress.
Anyways, Im really tired now so im jsut going to stop ranting about my stupid life. haih goodnight.
#127 feelings
Sunday, September 16, 2012
So recently, ive been helping out to design stuffs for this charity event. Kept me really busy till i literally had no time to finish up my assignments. I was doing really fine when my semester starts, keeping it simple and easy. I had no problems with my design ideas and lecturers and i thought i might have a good semester. But guess what? i was wrong. It started off nice but as days past by, im going back into depression mode. LAST PLACE I WANT TO BE AT. Im 19 now, old enough to know all the stories and truths of my dad's life. So yeah, ive been listening to stories from my relatives. Old stories of what happened last time, made my life today. How my mom became a pain in the ass, how my dad had a terrible accident that cost someone's life. How much better it would be if my dad was still around. Nahhh im still not over the fact that ive lost my dad. I jsut try to forget it everyday, come home and run to my room and lock myself in. Its my daily routine now. or just run out to find friends.
what i feel now and then is fucked up. I couldnt think straight. infact, i couldnt think at all. There was jsut so many things going in my mind that made me not pay attention in classes or when someone's ranting to my about their problems. Couldnt think of what i was diong and whether its right. Suffering much. and it sucks cause its affecting my assignments. So sick of it.
Im trying to score all As this semester and i had the confidence too. until now. fucking hate how life throws itself back to me. I cant take a break cause nothing will ever ease my mind. Ive tried going to places to have a cuppa alone, looking at the work of mother nature, catching the latest movies, hanging with friends. nahh it dint help much, cant Not feel. Also, theres something else going on, that fucks my mind even more. Im trying to forget it now but sadly i cant. Been trying for days but fucking mind messing with me. All these shits mixes up and gives me this shit feeling. depress depress.
Anyways, Im really tired now so im jsut going to stop ranting about my stupid life. haih goodnight.
3:57 AM
